Terry
Moran
Pierre
Thomas
Dan
Abrams
Michael
Morell
Robert
Sumwalt – NTSB
Stephanopoulos:
omg the Delta
force
killed the Vice
President
of ISIS
Moran:
it was incredibly
brave
Stephanopoulos:
who was he?
Moran:
he was in charge of sales
– he
was the Pete Campbell of ISIS
Stephanopoulos:
wow he really was a
prick
Moran:
but why
risk a dangerous
ground
operation
– when drones can
flown
by one guy in Vegas in a la-z-boy
Expert:
we wanted him alive!
Moran:
but he fought back
which
was a big surprise
Stephanopoulos:
didn't see that
coming
Expert:
the delta force had
to
resort
to hand-to-hand
combat
Stephanopoulos:
that is fucking
badass
Moran:
no Americans
were killed
and
they captured some
laptops
Stephanopoulos:
that's great
Moran:
but they six-month
old
Dells so they don't work
Stephanopoulos:
too bad
Moran:
the US sent a
message
to
ISIS – you are not safe anywhere!
Stephanopoulos:
was this mission
a
failure because he wasn't taken alive?
Morell:
it would have been nice to
torture
him for a while but
at least
we
got his wife
Stephanopoulos:
that's something
Stephanopoulos:
welcome Michael
Morell:
hi George
Stephanopoulos:
what's
the
deal with ISIS?
Morell:
ISIS wants to unleash
bubonic
plague on America
Stephanopoulos:
holy shit
Morell:
but we've
taken
back
25% of Iraq
from ISIS
Stephanopoulos:
well okay then
Morell:
but we're not
getting
anything
done in Syria
Stephanopoulos:
what's you greatest
fear?
Morell:
spiders and the dark
and clowns
Stephanopoulos:
no I mean about ISIS
Morell:
if ISIS detonates
a nuclear
bomb
on the mall of America
Stephanopoulos:
aren't you a ray of
sunshine
Morell:
it's a dangerous world Steph
Stephanopoulos:
thanks for coming
[
break ]
Stephanopoulos:
holy shit that
Amtrak crash!
Reporter:
there's been
unreliable reports
of
a projectile hitting the windshield
Stephanopoulos:
tell me more
Reporter:
other trains may have been hit too
Stephanopoulos:
gollly
Reporter:
but that doesn't
explain why
the train suddenly
accelerated to 100
mph
Stephanopoulos:
that is odd
Reporter:
politicians are already
calling
for more speed limit
signs on
the tracks
Stephanopoulos:
problem solved then
Amtrak
CEO: we're installing safety
mechanisms
any day between
now and 2020
[
break ]
Stephanopoulos:
welcome Mr Sumwalt
Sumwalt:
hi George
Stephanopoulos:
did someone
shoot
at the windshield of the train?
Sumwalt:
probably
not
Stephanopoulos:
what caused the
crash?
Sumwalt:
we've called for cameras
in
the cockpit in the past
Stephanopoulos:
that's not what I
asked
Sumwalt:
we asked for the
driver's
cell phone records
Stephanopoulos:
you have no idea do
you
Sumwalt:
no
Sumwalt:
we will install safety
brakes
some day
Stephanopoulos:
well thanks
[
break ]
Stephanopoulos:
whats is
the FBI doing?
Thomas:
the FBI science lab is on the case!
Stephanopoulos:
is that the same
one
that
lied for years about hair samples?
Thomas:
that's the one
Stephanopoulos:
Dan talk legal
to me
Abrams:
crashing a train isn't
necessarily
a crime
Stephanopoulos:
if you say so
Abrams:
Congress passed a law capping
damages
for train
corporations no
matter
how
much people have suffered
Stephanopoulos:
that sounds
like them
Stephanopoulos:
so will Tsarnaev
appeal
this death penalty
forever?
Abrams:
three jurors believed he was
influenced
by his brother but
they didn't
care
Stephanopoulos:
is that legally
relevant?
Abrams:
technically
it doesn't
matter
but it's interesting
Stephanopoulos:
and now I would like
to
announce
that I should have
disclosed
that
I donated to the now
infamous
Clinton
charity to avoid
even
appearance
of a conflict of interest
and
I apologize to
both viewers who care
Audience:
and now we know
what
it takes to get a political
talk
show host to apologize – Clinton cooties
[
break ]
Stephanopoulos:
omg Jeb Bush said
he
would invade Iraq for no reason
Cruz:
my god that stupid
Paul:
what a moron
Jeb:
I misheard!
Jeb:
okay maybe I wouldn't
have
but maybe I would
still
Jeb:
you know I probably wouldn't
Karl:
is Jeb too stupid to be President?
Stephanopoulos:
Democrats are
fighting over trade!
Reporter:
liberals are in open
rebellion
against the President!
Obama:
c'mon people!
Warren:
what about the
workers?!
Clinton:
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Reporter:
Hillary Clinton
won't
take a side!
Ellison:
she has to take
the
side of working people!
Stephanopoulos:
she made too
much
money in speaking
fees!
Reporter:
she made $24
million which is sad
Stephanopoulos:
so terrible
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