Meet the Press - February 21, 2010

Guests:
Gen. David Petraeus
Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Rep. Van Hollen
Rep. Mike Pence
February 21, 2010
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Gregory: General we’ve had amazing success against the Taliban this week - how big a defeat is
this for Obama??

Petraeus: actually we’re winning and doing very well

Gregory: that’s not what I heard from the GOP

Petraeus: well you’re an idiot

Gregory: but there are questions-

Petraeus: shut up

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
but there are U.S. losses!

Petraeus: we’re sending in our Very Special Forces

Gregory: like ‘Special’ special or
‘Family Guy’ special?

Petraeus: ha

Gregory: so now that Obama is President I am concerned about U.S. losses

Petraeus: hey Fluffy did you know that 9/11 was planned in Afghanistan, Hamburg and Florida?

Gregory: good I want to help you invade
Daytona Beach

Petraeus: I’m with you Dancin Dave

Gregory: so who is this guy you caught?

Petraeus: we’re carrying this fight against the Taliban with our new allies the Tallyban

Gregory: Shouldn’t we be torturing this swarthy man?

Petraeus: Hey moron - torture doesn’t work

Gregory: but it’s fun

Petraeus: no it backfires and hurts America overseas

Gregory: awww

Petraeus: torture isn’t biodegradable - that’s why
Al Gore hates it

Greogry: but wasn’t Obama short-sighted for
closing our Caribbean torture gulag?

Petraeus: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Dick Cheney says we are going to be nuked

Petraeus: well he’s thinking of his failures and not Obama’s successes

Gregory: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

Petraeus: idiot

Gregory: OMG Iran is going to drop a nuclear
bomb on us!!!!

Petraeus: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: But Daddy I’m scared!!!

Petraeus: Don’t worry we’re sending Iran a
sternly worded letter

Gregory: but shouldn’t Israel just bomb Iran?

Petraeus: Let me put it this way - wheeeeee
[makes whistling sound of bomb flying
through the air]

Gregory: Is Iraq a Democracy?

Petraeus: It’s an Iraqracy

Gregory: what is that?

Petraeus: Freer than North Korea but not as
fair as Florida in 2000

Gregory: close enough

Gregory: Isn’t this the wrong time to let those icky gay people in the military what with all the wars?

Petraeus: don’t worry Fluffy we won’t take you anyway

Gregory: but gay people are so gay!

Petraeus: have you seen the Olympics?

Gregory: good point - after all half the GOP
Congress are gay

Petraeus: hey if they can fire a gun they can
fight with me

Gregory: I bet they can General

[ break ]

Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is a one-term President

Pawlenty: ooh I sure I hope Dick is right

Gregory: there’s a first time for everything

Pawlenty: we’re going to win in 2010 but I’m not sure about 2012 since the world may end

Gregory: you also say the GOP blew it

Pawlenty: yes but that was only the last 30 years - we’ve completely changed since 2008

Gregory: oh ok

Pawlenty: but these are serious times and we
need serious solutions

Gregory: like what

Pawlenty: repealing all Miranda rights

Gregory: you said we smash should the government with a nine-iron since a black man is President!!

Pawlenty: I had to say racist weird shit because China buys our debt

Gregory: are you running for President?

Pawlenty: sure - I’m dumb but white so why not?

Gregory: what about the stimulus?

Pawlenty: we need to grow the economy by
cutting taxes

Gregory: did the stimulus work?

Pawlenty: no

Gregory: but it created jobs

Pawlenty: but just government jobs

Gregory: so they don’t count?

Pawlenty: no because it only created 2 million jobs

Gregory: what are you answers?

Pawlenty: cut taxes

Gregory: anything else?

Pawlenty: take some taxes and cut them

Gregory: what is your vision for America?

Pawlenty: do anything we can to give stuff to corporations

Gregory: what about the debt?

Pawlenty: we should cut federal spending

Gregory: what about the wars?

Pawlenty: oh not defense

Gregory: so where do you cut?

Pawlenty: cut benefits for cushy overpaid bus drivers

Gregory: are we winning the war on terror?

Pawlenty: yes thanks to Dick Cheney

Gregory: is the climate changing?

Pawlenty: yes but it it all natural so we must declare war on Mother Nature - if we pour more coal into the atmosphere - that will show her!

Gregory: Gays in the military?

Pawlenty: no Republicans don’t want to join up anyway

Gregory: health care reform?

Pawlenty: just let people shop around for the best open heart surgery while they are dying

Gregory: tell me all your thoughts on God

Pawlenty: God wants to me to run for President and lose to Mitt Romney in the primaries in February
of 2012

Gregory: well ok then

[ break ]

Gregory: ok surprising many people Evan Bayh flew a plane into the IRS building this week - what is going on?

Pence: I agree with Evan Bayh that Democrats are evil and we should violently overthrow the government

Van Hollen: hey we passed a lot of bills and the Republicans recently voted against the “Republicans Get What They Want Act of 2010”

Gregory: Some say Obama should just give the GOP whatever they want

Dionne: The Republican Party has gone completely insane - which is fine but you can’t blame Obama for their intransigence

Noonan: we need more good things and not
bad things

Pence: We would love to work with Obama but he’s an evil man cooking up creepy things in back rooms

Van Hollen: The Democrats cut taxes on 95% and the GOP said that’s not enough because the poor rich were left out

Gregory: health care summit?

Dionne: the summit will be useful because people will actually be able to compare their ideas instead of yelling about not cooperating

Pence: no fair!

Noonan: Hitler used to pass bills of 1,000 pages

Dionne: oh

Noonan: also tax cuts are bad when Democrats do it

Pence: let me be clear on this - we are willing to work with Democrats if they do everything we want

Van Hollen: oh is that all?

Pence: also if Obama resigns

Gregory: Ha the GOP is going to take the House!

Van Hollen: no they aren’t stupid

Pence: the American people are tired of personal irresponsibility, big spending, debt and bailouts

George W. Bush:
[watching at home, in his underwear, drinking beer]

aaaw fuck you Pency!

[ throws slipper at tv ]

Gregory: thanks for watching

Bush: aw fuck you too fluffy

Laura: Calm down George
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