ABC’s This Week
February 14, 2010
Karl: Dick you say Obama won’t recognize the warlike nature of our non-declared war on terror
Cheney: that’s right when terrorists use box cutters to blow up a building that’s an act of war
Karl: so why didn’t you ask for a declaration of
war in 2001?
Cheney: Fuck you
Karl: The President says he’s doing more to combat terrorism that you ever did
Cheney: yes they did fix our mistakes in Afghanistan although it took them too damm long
Karl: Biden says getting out of Iraq will be Obama’s great success
Cheney: I can’t believe they are trying to take
credit for our lying fake useless destructive war -
that is totally mine
Karl: oh really
Cheney: Biden should get down on his knees
and thank George Bush for attacking the wrong country after 9/11
Karl: so you admit it was a mistake?
Cheney: no Saddam fought the Iran-Iraq war and used chemical weapons in the 1980s
Karl: that was all with American support
Cheney: we got rid of one of the worst dictators
of the 20th century
Karl: we’ll talk about George Bush later
Cheney: Obama thinks Iraq is a triumph!
Karl: I think he means getting out of Iraq
Cheney: hey were going to leave just as soon as
we figured out it was all a huge mistake
Karl: how you would have handled the underoos bomber
Cheney: I would have crushed his testicles
Karl: anything else?
Cheney: it’s clear they were totally confused they didn’t know whether to crush his balls or pull
out his fingernails
Karl: decisions, decisions
Cheney: to be fair it’s hard - what with the Constitution and the laws and all that crazy nonsense
Karl: let’s get back to torture - what other creative techniques would you have used?
Cheney: I will leave that to the professionals -
I’m only an amateur sadist
Karl: well make a guess
Cheney: well there’s hot pokers, the iron maiden, Jamie Foxx on the Grammys - all I know is Obama
is a wimp for using the Army Field Manual
Karl: why didn’t you torture Richard Reid?
Cheney: Believe me I would have but I hadn’t talked Bush into it yet
Karl: doesn’t it give the terrorists too much stature
to call them soldiers?
Cheney: I’m not interested in debating our hypocrisy - I just want to say Obama has a weak mindset because he’s never shot a man in the face - do you really want a man like that protecting your family?
Karl: in 2005 the Bush administration was proud their prosecutions!
Cheney: Well I never agreed with that - all those fucking wimps - we had a shootout in the Bush White House over that!
Karl: you had a vigorous disagreement over whether to use enhanced interrogation in the Cabinet?
Cheney: no I mean an actual shootout you dipshit
Karl: so you were the chief advocate for useless cruelty?
Cheney: I’m President of the Waterboarding Fan Club - DC chapter
Karl: who else is in that?
Cheney: Me, Rumsfeld, John Yoo, Addington -
Fred Hiatt is the secretary
Karl: Bush released terrorists back to the
Cheney: only because the wimps and weak-kneed softies and liberals back in the Bush White House made us - you see it was the strawberries--
Karl: [ backs away slowly ]
you seem a little crazy Dick
Cheney: I could prove torturing innocent people worked with geometric logic if only I had the duplicate key
[ fondles metal balls ]
Karl: you didn’t do anything against Iran
Cheney: yeah that fucking baby Bush left Iran a
big threat for Obama to deal with dammit
Karl: was it a mistake not to bomb Iran?
Cheney: you’re goddamm fucking right it was a mistake - we took out Saddam but it wasn’t enough
Karl: Palin says Obama should declare war on Iran so he can look tough to raise his popularity
Cheney: she’s a fucking idiot
Karl: What about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?
Cheney: it was essential in 2009 but now it’s
a bad idea
Karl: you have a reunion coming up - “Utter Failures” Class of 2008
Cheney: I’m looking forward to seeing the old gang of incompetents, liars, cheats, and sociopaths
Karl: you’re writing a book - what’s it’s called?
Cheney: I can’t tell you but I’ll give you a hint
written in blood