Thursday, November 26, 2015

Meet The Press – November 22, 2015

Jeh Johnson (Sec. of DHS)
Bill Bratton
Gov. John Kasich
Leon Panetta
Richard Engel
Arsalan Iftikhar
Tom Brokaw
Kathleen Parker
Helene Cooper
Ron Fournier
Todd: omg im scared of terror!

Todd: omg I'm scared of terror!

Johnson: we have no specific credible
threats to America

Todd: are you sure?

Johnson: we want people to
know we're vigilant

Todd: they shut down Brussels – does that
mean an attack is about to happen here?

Johnson: maybe – if you see something 
say something

Todd: I'm frightened

Johnson: we're on the job

Todd: shooting up a pizza parlor is
inexpensive which scares me

Bratton: we just had a pretend terror
attack in New York

Todd: Macy's Thanksgiving Day parada

Bratton: we will have 1,000 police
officers just to stop terrorists

Bratton: it will be safe and secure
with no wind and 3 million people

Todd: what about the visa waiver issue?

Johnson: we've only had 2,000 Syria refugees

Todd: eek

Johnson: but people can come from
Europe without a visa

Todd: how about we just get rid of all Europeans
visiting America – 
they're all socialists anyway

Johnson: no we need it for tourism 
and business

Todd: the Washington D.C. police chief says
civilians should shoot terrorists

Bratton: hey if you've got a gun and see 
someone with an AK-47 go to town

Todd: I'm locked and loaded

Bratton: I'm more worried about letting
people on the terrorist watch list 
buy guns and bombs

Todd: thanks for coming Bill

[ break ]

Todd: why can't we just destroy ISIS?

Engel: Paris showed ISIS is a 
world-wide threat!

Engel: ISIS is the most successful
terror group since al-qaeda

French guy: daesh leaves 
al-qaeda in the dust!

Engel: they've attacked Russia and France

Putin: we will crush them!

Engel: the United States and Iran
are both attacking ISIS!

Expert: Turkey hates the Kurds
and Saudia Arabia hates Iranians

Engel: will Paris shock the world
or will it take an attack on America?

Todd: get some sleep Richard

[ break ]

Todd welcome Leon

Panetta: hi Chuck

Todd: is Obama's plan working?

Panetta: we have the right mission
but we haven't done enough

Todd: oh really?

Panetta: we need to be
much more aggressive

Todd: do we need to what we're doing faster?

Panetta: ISIS is a clear and
present danger to America

Todd: yikes

Panetta: we need to unify all the 
countries fighting ISIS

Todd: problem solved

Panetta: we to do more bombing
and arm the Sunnis

Todd: yeah!

Panetta: frankly we need more 
U.S. troops on the ground

Todd: should we have bombed Assad
and armed Syrian rebels?

Panetta: Assad is the primary villain and
so is Iran and also Hezbollah and also 
Malaki and the U.S. should have created
a moderate force in Iraq

Brokaw: Obama is weak and Republicans
are crazy – what should we do?

Panetta: the U.S. has to lead!

Todd: yay

Panetta: the U.S. should have stronger leadership!

Todd: U.S. should be strong!

Panetta: we're going to have put in
thousands of ground troops in Iraq and Syria

Todd: uh oh

Panetta: we have to invade and occupy
Iraq and Syria!

Cooper: do you really think we can
unify the U.S. and Russia and Iran?

Panetta: of course not

Todd: ah

Panetta: we should invoke Article 5 
of the NATO charter

Todd: was that in 50 Shades of Gray?

Panetta: we have the same team 
we had in Libya

Todd: which went so well

Panetta: I don't trust Russia or Iran

Todd: what's worse – ISIS or Assad

Panetta: we should wage war on ISIS and
Assad at the same time – he's a war criminal
and they're unpleasant in the extreme

[ break ]

Todd: Obama is tone-deaf but 
Republicans are lunatics

Trump: I want mass surveillance of Muslims!

Cruz: we're not attacked by Presbyterians!

Carson: refugees are rabid dogs!

Todd: It's not easy being a muslim is it?

Iftikhar: Muslims are snooped and
threatened all over America

Todd: omg

Enetekar: that's par for the course since 9/11

Trump: in Jersey City thousands 
cheered on 9/11

Bush: Islam is peace!

Rubio: all Muslims are like Nazis

Bush: there is no clash of civilizations

Carson: refugees are like rabid dogs!

Bush: we respect all faiths

Todd: please praise George W. Bush for me

Iftikhar: who cares – he would be
shouted out of the party now

Todd: true

Iftikhar: are they going to put Kareem
Abdul Jabbar and Muhammad Ali and
Dave Chapelle in this database?

Todd: is it a database of Most 
Popular Americans?

Iftikhar: no

Todd: oh too bad

Iftikhar: are they going make us 
wear the Star of David?

Todd: probably not

Iftikhar: how about a crescent?

Todd: only if Trump becomes President
but that's like a one in four chance

Parker: why don't you ask them to 
tone down the rhetoric?

Iftikhar: how about good decent
people speak out against this?

Parker: I'm just saying you should
meet with people who hate you

Todd: how a public forum like my show?

Parker: exactly!

Iftikhar: will this forum take place
in Muslim internment camps?

Fournier: why don't people put the
flag of Mali in the twitter avatar?

Iftikhar: because Mali is full black people
so Americans don't give a shit

Fournier: but is it really just racism –
after I didn't do it and I can't be racist

Iftikhar: media let these weirdos go one
about rabid dogs and special IDs and Muslim
databases and then say 'both sides do it'

Brokaw: this is really Obama's fault for
not educating people about his faith

Cooper: there is no link between Syria refugees
and Paris and the 
media doesn't report on that

Brokaw: they are orphans because
of Obama's bombs

Fournier: we are one domestic attack from
a total unraveling of this country

Iftikhar: 30% people think Islam 
should be illegal! Wake the fuck up!

Todd: how do we combat that 
kind of thinking?

Iftikhar: if only there was so medium
that could reach millions of people

Todd: oh I get it – you're talking 
about the Internet

Iftikhar: JFC

Todd: the US has taken in 120,000 Iraqi refugees and 785,000 refugees have 
been admitted since 9/11 and only 
a dozen were possible terrorists

Todd: The U.N. referred at 23,000 refugees and the U.S. interviewed 7,000 and took 
only 2,000 Syria refugees

Todd: the real problem is visa waiver program –
basically anyone from Europe can 
come in no question asked

Todd: all the 9/11 hijackers all 
came in on a visa

Todd: welcome Governor Kasich

Todd: you want to promote judeo-christian values – do you hate other religions

Kasich: no I only mean respecting
life and women and freedom and 
all that Christian stuff

Todd: I see

Kasich: you're clearly a stupid person Chuck

Todd: i've heard that

Kasich: we need to win the battle of ideas!

Todd: yeah!

Kasich: Western civilization is under attack –
they want to destroy our way of life

Todd: that's not very nice

Kasich: science and women's rights
are under attack!

Todd: are we talking about ISIS 
or the Republicans?

Kasich: we believe in life and they 
believe in death

Todd: go on

Kasich: the west represents freedom
and progress and the East is a death cult

Todd: so it's a war of East vs West?

Kasich: Musims and Arabs used to believe
in science and now they believe in murder

Todd: at least it's an ethos

Kasich: we need to work with moderates
like the Saudis

Todd: good plan

Kasich: we have to stop the radicalization
of people and get them to embrace
civilization and the western ethic

Todd: what's wrong the GOP – I mean 
with the talk about rabid dogs and
Muslim-American registries?

Kasich: I'm in a war with Donald Trump!

Kasich: I condemned him!

Todd: well he's beating you

Kasich: no he's not?

Todd: no?

Kasich: I'm in a twitter war
with Donald Trump!

Todd: Bratton wants to stop people
from terror watch list buy a gun?

Kasich: we can't do that because
guns make you safe

[ break ]

Todd: so do we think of Kasich?

Brokaw: he doesn't hate Muslims
so he will be attacked by the right wing

Todd: that checks out

Brokaw: Indonesia has some very nice
Muslims and some lovely beaches

Todd: I've heard that

Brokaw: Donald Trump is lying about
thousands in Jersey City cheering the
towers falling down

Cruz: Mr. President insult me to my face!

Todd: that's batshit insane

Parker: that was a very smart move

Parker: it's playground swagger

Cooper: the whole fucking GOP primary
campaign is lies and childish swagger

Todd: omg a Democrat won the
Governor's race in Louisiana

Fournier: sure but he was pro-gun pro-life 
veteran up against a guy 
who went to hookers

Todd: good point Ron

Fournier: we as a people need to stop demonizing
each other and 
also our leaders are bad

Brokaw: Paris shows we are at war!

Todd: it's like 1941 all over again!

Brokaw: we have going to have to re-invade and re-occupy Iraq and we're not going to get a lot of help from Europe this time

Todd: didn't France just declare war on ISIS?

Fournier: forget it he's tolling

Cooper: nobody leave al qaeda in a corner!

Parker: if we re-invade Iraq we're just
going to create more radicals in Paris 
and not the cool kind with the 
berets and fancy cigarettes

Fournier: should we draft young 
people like we did in WWII?

Brokaw: absolutely

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – November 22 , 2015

Martha Raddatz
Jonathan Karl
Donald Trump
Dr. Ben Carson

Stephanopoulos: omg there is
an imminent terror threat!

Raddatz: George it's totally
about to happen!

Stephanopoulos: holy shit!

Raddatz: here in Brussels we're 
sheltering in place

Stephanopoulos: cripes

Raddatz: but there are tourists wandering
obliviously around outdoors like assholes

Stephanopoulos: don't they
know there's a war on?

Raddatz: the Paris attacker is now
the most wanted man in the world

Stephanopoulos: I want you to want me

Raddatz: don't even get me started on Mali

Mali Survivor: I thought I was dead
but the terrorists are stupid

Raddatz: ISIS is losing land in Iraq
to the good guys with American help

Stephanopoulos: that's good

Raddatz: but the threat is still enormous!

Obama: we win by saying 'we're not afraid'

Stephanopoulos: I'm so afraid!

Raddatz: Brussels is full of soldiers
and armored personnel carriers

Stephanopoulos: whoa

Raddatz: Belgium just like Iraq but
with waffles and less roadside bombs

Raddatz: I talked to a Muslim in Belgium
and she said she's scared of terrorists too

Stephanopoulos: Hillary is leading but Bernie
is surging and no one can stop Donald Trump

Obama: Republicans are
scared of widows and orphans!

Karl: but some Democrats are
afraid of Syrian refugees too

Karl: but our poll says a majority
of Americans are freaked out by refugees

Ben Carson: refugees are like rabid dogs

Trump: registering Americans in a
database is good management

Stephanopoulos: Trump leads in 
all polls since forever!

Karl: he's lead every single poll since July

Stephanopoulos: do terror attacks 
in Europe hurt Obama?

Karl: Republicans say they trust
Trump the most to go after terrorists

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Mr Trump

Trump: nice to see you Greg

Stephanopoulos: how is the campaign coming?

Trump: I'm awesome and everyone 
else is stupid

Stephanopoulos: right

Trump: Look at Paris! I said attack the oil!

Stephanopoulos: are ruling out a
database for all American Muslims?

Trump: not at all – I definitely want one

Stephanopoulos: really?

Trump: Syrian refugees are probably okay
but they could be the Trojan horse of all time

Stephanopoulos: I see

Trump: the refugees are all
strong handsome muscular men

Stephanopoulos: if you say so

Trump: if we say the magic words
'radical Islamic terrorism' we win the war

Stephanopoulos: got it

Trump: we shouldn't allow any refugees in!

Stephanopoulos: would you go back to torture?

Trump: yes because ISIS drowns people

Stephanopoulos: that makes sense

Trump: ISIS is horribly cruel and
inhumane and evil and we must
be more like them

Stephanopoulos: so you even do waterboarding?

Trump: yes because waterboarding
is peanuts

Stephanopoulos: Jeb Bush says you're weak

Trump: Jeb is a very weak
person and low-energy person

Stephanopoulos: a bit

Trump: these people are tough people and
we're weak and we need to be tough

Stephanopoulos: you have it all figured out

Trump: Hillary does not have strength
or stamina to be President

Stephanopoulos: would you close mosques

Trump: I want to surveil the mosques!

Stephanopoulos: all mosques?

Trump: those wily American muslims know
who the terrorists are but they won't talk

Stephanopoulos: that's quite an accusation

Trump: we have to surveil the mosques 
and we were stopping terror attacks 
until DeBlasio came along and caused 
9/11 and the attacks in Paris which 
are also his fault

Stephanopoulos: that checks out

Trump: we need to be strong
or we will see buildings coming down
all over America and not just because
our infrastructure is crumbling

Stephanopoulos: should terrorists be
allowed to buy guns and explosives?

Trump: I love the second amendment!

Stephanopoulos: but should someone
on the terror watch list be allowed to
buy a machine gun?

Trump: that's already against the law

Stephanopoulos: no it isn't

Trump: put 'em all in jail!

Stephanopoulos: I'm still not sure
what your answer is

Trump: if people in Paris had guns
there would a shootout and very few
people would have been hurt

Stephanopoulos: amazing

Trump: I got all the answers Stephan

Stephanopoulos: so would you let
someone the terror watch list buy a gun?

Trump: no – keep em away!

Stephanopoulos: all right then

Trump: thousands of Americans in Jersey City
were cheering the twin towers falling down
on September 11th

Stephanopoulos: that didn't happen

Trump: I saw it – there were people 
cheering in New Jersey

Stephanopoulos: really?

Trump: yeah you know the arab population

Stephanopoulos: police say it didn't happen

Trump: fuck the police

Stephanopoulos: Kasich blames 
you for Benghazi

Trump: he is a loser and no one likes him

Stephanopoulos: maybe

Trump: I'm leading – he's a stupid 
incompetent person who caused 
the Depression in 2007

Stephanopoulos: got it

Trump: Obama caused the attacks in
Paris and he wants more attacks here

Stephanopoulos: naturally

Trump: Obama wants to bring
250,000 ISIS terrorists to Iowa

Stephanopoulos: the Republican establishment
is scared of you and wants to take you out

Trump: because I'm winning

Stephanopoulos: right

Trump: I get crowds of 6,000

Stephanopoulos: would run as an independent?

Trump: yes if I feel I'm not treated fairly

Stephanopoulos: so are you?

Trump: I've built fabulous golf
courses all over the world and
that's what we need to defeat ISIS

Stephanopoulos: of couse

Trump: the elites loved me when I
donated to the Republican party
but they're frightened of the monster 
they created

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Donald

Trump: the pleasure was all yours

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Ben Carson

Carson: and a blessed Sunday to you as well James

Stephanopoulos: would you bring back torture?

Carson: sure – not inflicting excruciating
pain on a prisoner is political correctness
which will destroy our Christian way of life

Stephanopoulos: so you do waterboarding?

Carson: I don't want to reveal to the enemy
what cool torture methods we've discovered lately

Stephanopoulos: would you monitor mosques

Carson: yes of course but we should
also monitor the shopping centers
where terrorists hang out

Stephanopoulos: where would that be?

Carson: the mall, Ikea, Trader Jihadi Joe's

Stephanopoulos: good examples

Carson: the FBI can only monitor 50
people at a time which is wrong

Stephanopoulos: I'm going to have check on that

Carson: we must do absolutely everything
we possibly can – we're talking about the
safety of the American people!

Stephanopoulos: so should people on
terror watch list buy guns and explosives?

Carson: whoa hold on there – we can't
stop people from buying guns or we might
violate the Second Commandment

Stephanopoulos: you the Second Amendment

Carson: whatever

Stephanopoulos: so terrorists can 
buy guns and ammo?

Carson: it's so unfair people how people
get put on these lists – it's torment and torture!

Stephanopoulos: but you approve of torture to stop terrorism

Carson: I mean mild torture like 
waterboarding not extreme torture like 
not being able to buy a machine gun at 
three o'clock in the morning without 
a background check

Stephanopoulos: you said it would be easy
to get ISIS but Obama says you're wrong

Obama: the best military minds 
don't think its easy

Stephanopoulos: are your advisors better than Obama's?

Carson: we should go after terrorists!

Stephanopoulos: righty-o

Carson: we need to take the land back
the land is just sitting there!

Stephanopoulos: darn land

Carson: we should cultivate the Kurds!

Stephanopoulos: okay then

Carson: the Arabs failed to get ISIS because
we didn't put enough special forces with them

Stephanopoulos: I see

Carson: I've been told we should put
seals and dolphins in with our troops

Carson: we should consult with this
place called the Department of Defense

Stephanopoulos: there's an idea no one thought of before

Carson: I have to think of everything!

Stephanopoulos: your own advisors say
you know nothing about foreign affairs

Carson: in a larger sense aren't we all ignorant people

Stephanopoulos: um what

Carson: what is knowledge anyway
but a set of artificial concepts

Stephanopoulos: well put

Carson: I have been woken
up often to save lives

Stephanopoulos: okay

Carson: to run the government you
do need practical experience in medicine

Stephanopoulos: you're falling behind in Iowa

Carson: it's an elongated process

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Doctor

Carson: you too Stephen