Meet The Press
November 15, 2009
Guests:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
Newt Gingrich
Al Sharpton
********************
Gregory: Hi Hillary
Clinton: morning Fluffy
Gregory: Secretary Clinton why would we enforce the rule of law against really bad people?
Clinton: Greggers New York City isn’t afraid to try these people and bring them to justice
Gregory: but having super-terrorists in New York City is so scary!
Clinton: Calm down Fluffy - I don’t how it works
in California but here in New York our jails have locks and everything
Gregory: speaking of being terrified of brown swarthy terrorists - why haven’t you closed
Gitmo yet?
Clinton: we want to leave it nice so we’re painting and mowing the lawn first
Gregory: makes sense
Gregory: I hear Obama is considering invading Afghanistan
Clinton: maybe
Gregory: Jill Eikenberry says sending more troops to Afghanistan could backfire
Clinton: you mean Karl Eikenberry
Gregory: him too
Clinton: we need to defeat al-qaeda
Gregory: ok
Clinton: and also the Taliban
Gregory: right
Clinton: so we can’t leave until the Afghan government has defeated the Taliban on its
own and rules a peaceful nation
Gregory: what’s the deal with Hamid Karzai
Clinton: on the plus side he’s a handsome man
and a snappy dresser - on the other hand he’s a power-hungry megalomaniac
Gregory: just like Donald Trump
Clinton: look Bush completely fucked up
this country
Gregory: yes Afghanistan is in really bad shape
Clinton: I meant the U.S.
Gregory: oh
Clinton: I don’t think I can overstate how hated George Bush was around the world and frankly he dropped the ball on Bin Laden along with everything else he touched
Gregory: Obama is going to pay homage to
Our Chinese Overlords
Clinton: you know when my husband Bill was President we almost eliminated the debt and since then Stupid wasted 2 trillion dollars so it’s up to Obama and me to fix all his mistakes
Gregory: how do we combat the wily orientals?
Clinton: sure we’re rivals but we have a common enemy who presents a threat to the stability of the whole world
Gregory: North Korea?
Clinton: Sarah Palin
Gregory: She wants to have coffee with you
Clinton: it would be fascinating to meet someone who’s never read a newspaper before
Gregory: will you read her book?
Clinton: I will if she does
Gregory: can her brand of Crazy take over the GOP?
Clinton: I sure hope so
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG it’s such a cute odd couple - Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton are going to come up with a bipartisan solution to failing education in America!
Gregory: Newt and Al - both of you are widely disliked - so thank you for coming on my show today
Gingrich: right on
Sharpton: dude!
[ fist bump each other ]
Gregory: people say America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore Arne but you say we have excellent Dropout Factories
Duncan: that’s right - we want achievement and to raise the bar and remove firewalls
Gregory: those are some very inspiring clichés
Duncan: we must challenge the status quo, go outside our comfort zones and hope for change
Gingrich: this is the civil right of the 21st century
Duncan: we need good schools
Gregory: interesting
Gingrich: some schools are poor and violent and that’s bad
Sharpton: the poor and minorities are really getting screwed by our failing schools
Gregory: Newt you wanted to rid of the Department
of Education
Gingrich: in an ideal world every child would get
a Pell grant and buy their education on the open free market
Sharpton: hell parents have failed as well
Gregory: have we achieved anything?
Sharpton: we have succeeded in getting Newt
and me back on tv!
Gregory: since the teachers unions are evil why should we believe that a liberal will enforce accountability?
Duncan: if there was real accountability Rachel Maddow would take your job Fluffy
Gregory: what if teachers lie to you?
Duncan: I could kiss their ass like you do
Gingrich: the teachers union is responsible for
kids going to prison
Sharpton: we also need parents involved
Gregory: now wait just a minute - I invited you here
to bash teachers unions not for some debate about education
Sharpton: I heard back in Harlem you were a moron
Gingrich: Al Sharpton and I can inspire the whole world with our bipartisanship attention-seeking
Gregory: Are our teachers just stupid and should we have a West Point of Teachers?
Duncan: hard-working, service, public service,
blah blah blah
Gingrich: Jefferson said self-knowledge is vital
Gregory: Thomas Jefferson?
Gingrich: no George Jefferson - in the Hawaii episode
Gregory: that is so wise
Gingrich: the damm kids need discipline for the first time in their lives!
Sharpton: I never knew I was underprivileged because my mother taught me right
Gregory: Should we have a national failed curriculum?
Gingrich: no because some districts want to
teach kids that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to meetups with blond haired blue-eyed Republican tax-cutting Jesus
*******************
Sunday, November 15, 2009
This Week with George Stephanopoulos with Hillary Clinton - November 15, 2009
November 15, 2009
Guests:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Rudy Giuliani
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Obama invaded Afghanistan but can we really win there?
Clinton: George you can be sure if Obama wants to conquer Afghanistan he’s going to damm well do it
Stephanopoulos: Ambassador Eikenberry says more troops will hurt the effort
Clinton: we’re going to defeat al-qaeda dammit!
Stephanopoulos: didn’t we do that already?
Clinton: yes but they’re very wily - they have
ties to the unsavory elements of the indigenous people there
Stephanopoulos: Hamid Karzai?
Clinton: The Taliban
Stephanopoulos: Karzai is pretty corrupt isn’t he?
Clinton: it’s ok we’re going to get a Official Certification that he’s only to spend money
in a non-corrupt and totally ethical way
Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
in New Jersey!
Clinton: we need to find an off-ramp out of there
Stephanopoulos: it looks like we got lost
and drove into another country
Clinton: Pakistan is a theatre
Stephanopoulos: Kabuki?
Clinton: Improv
Stephanopoulos: Saint Giuliani of 9/11 says the American justice system sucks
Clinton: well he was US Attorney from NYC so
he would know
Stephanopoulos: seriously?
Clinton: no you twerp
Stephanopoulos: can you find nice homes for all the Gitmo detainees who turned out to be innocent
Clinton: we’re going to get them low-rate mortgages
Stephanopoulos: Sarah Palin wants to a coffee
date with you
Clinton: I’d love to meet her and find out how her brain works
Stephanopoulos: are you running for Governor
of New York?
Clinton: ha - I’m already Secretary of State
for god’s sake
[ break]
Stephanopoulos: welcome Saint Rudy - are you running for Governor?
Giuliani: yes - I plan to lose to Andrew Cuomo
next year
Stephanopoulos: you praised federal trials for terrorists before the GOP went full-in crazy
Giuliani: oh no no but you see a fair trial will take too long - plus there is a risk that they might be found not guilty and we can’t take that chance
Stephanopoulos: ah
Giuliani: also this sends a wrong message - that
we are not at war with random crazy people everywhere like Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and U.S. Army Major Hasan
Stephanopoulos: are you saying Major Hasan was a foreign soldier who declared war on the U.S.?
Giuliani: yes - he had novelty business cards that said “Soldier of God”!
Stephanopoulos: to be fair Mike Huckabee
has those too
Guests:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Rudy Giuliani
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Obama invaded Afghanistan but can we really win there?
Clinton: George you can be sure if Obama wants to conquer Afghanistan he’s going to damm well do it
Stephanopoulos: Ambassador Eikenberry says more troops will hurt the effort
Clinton: we’re going to defeat al-qaeda dammit!
Stephanopoulos: didn’t we do that already?
Clinton: yes but they’re very wily - they have
ties to the unsavory elements of the indigenous people there
Stephanopoulos: Hamid Karzai?
Clinton: The Taliban
Stephanopoulos: Karzai is pretty corrupt isn’t he?
Clinton: it’s ok we’re going to get a Official Certification that he’s only to spend money
in a non-corrupt and totally ethical way
Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
in New Jersey!
Clinton: we need to find an off-ramp out of there
Stephanopoulos: it looks like we got lost
and drove into another country
Clinton: Pakistan is a theatre
Stephanopoulos: Kabuki?
Clinton: Improv
Stephanopoulos: Saint Giuliani of 9/11 says the American justice system sucks
Clinton: well he was US Attorney from NYC so
he would know
Stephanopoulos: seriously?
Clinton: no you twerp
Stephanopoulos: can you find nice homes for all the Gitmo detainees who turned out to be innocent
Clinton: we’re going to get them low-rate mortgages
Stephanopoulos: Sarah Palin wants to a coffee
date with you
Clinton: I’d love to meet her and find out how her brain works
Stephanopoulos: are you running for Governor
of New York?
Clinton: ha - I’m already Secretary of State
for god’s sake
[ break]
Stephanopoulos: welcome Saint Rudy - are you running for Governor?
Giuliani: yes - I plan to lose to Andrew Cuomo
next year
Stephanopoulos: you praised federal trials for terrorists before the GOP went full-in crazy
Giuliani: oh no no but you see a fair trial will take too long - plus there is a risk that they might be found not guilty and we can’t take that chance
Stephanopoulos: ah
Giuliani: also this sends a wrong message - that
we are not at war with random crazy people everywhere like Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and U.S. Army Major Hasan
Stephanopoulos: are you saying Major Hasan was a foreign soldier who declared war on the U.S.?
Giuliani: yes - he had novelty business cards that said “Soldier of God”!
Stephanopoulos: to be fair Mike Huckabee
has those too
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Meet The Press - November 8, 2009
Meet The Press
November 8, 2009
Guests:
General Casey
Gov. Haley Barbour
Gov. Ed Rendell
********************
Gregory: General I love your fatigues
Casey: thanks
Gregory: was this Fort Hood guy a lone gunman
Casey: I can’t answer that
Gregory: people think that counseling veterans stressed out by combat and then being sent to Iraq himself may have made him snap
Casey: and this is a surprise to you?
Gregory: how did the Army miss the warning signs?
Casey: Fluffy we really don’t know what happened
Gregory: but he hated our wars!
Casey: you are a silly person
Gregory: if he wanted to be discharged why not let him?
Casey: are you kidding - a muslim psychiatrist is like gold fluffy - gold!
Gregory: we send soldiers to repeated tours of duty - is that bad?
Casey: sure - we’re thinking about training soldiers to deal with it better
Gregory: but we will keep sending them into combat?
Casey: the empire won’t run itself Greggers
Gregory: can U.S. muslims fight our ongoing
war on Islam?
Casey: we don’t have a war on Islam
Gregroy: ok - should we send 40,000 troops
to Afghanistan?
Casey: yeah like I’m going to answer that
Gregory: The House passed a Democratic health reform bill so let me turn to an expert - Haley Barbour
Barbour: those Dems fahailed!
Gregory: aren’t the Democrats doomed Ed?
Rendell: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: but the centrists!
Rendell: calm down Fluffy
Barbour: theah merkin paypal don’t want government crammed down theah throat
Gregory: the middle class will hate the bill won’t they
Rendell: look you idiot it’s a good bill that will help millions of people
Gregory: Governor Barbour are the Democrats totally doomed?
Barbour: sadly yes - David Broder said so
Gregory: oh noe!
Barbour: people are very angry at health care reform - they want jobs - so of course they are turning to Republicans with their great track record
Gregory: the Moonie Times and Politico say Obama is doing too much and also not doing enough
Rendell: wow that’s stupid
Gregory: but he’s doing too much
Rendell: that’s silly
Gregory: just bash Obama ok
Barbour: Look its very simple - Obama is only popular because he is black and Americans just love
black people
Gregory: of course
Gregory: what do you think of Sarah Palin
Barbour: she’s an idiot
Gregory: could she be President?
Barbour: of what?
Gregory: will you run for President?
Barbour: we’ve done worse than me
Rendell: I don’t know about that
Gregory: Ed is Obama totally doomed?
Rendell: yeah whatever Fluffers
Gregory: please sing the praises of Saint Ronnie of the Deficit
Barbour: Reagan helped ordinary people not the rich fat cats on Wall Street
Rendell: what the fuck??
Gregory: do we need to send 40,000 more troops
to Afghanistan?
Barbour: definitely and if Obama sends then I promise we won’t compare him to Hitler anymore
Gregory: and if he doesn’t?
Barbour: the entire 2010 election will revolve around Dachau
Rendell: where are all these troops supposed to come from?
Barbour: Buddha will provide
[ break ]
Gregory: Obama has to send non-existent troops to Afghanistan or else he will be called a British-Indonesian-Kenyan-Muslim American-hater
Brooks: right
Maddow: they will call him StalinHitler no matter what
Gillespie: we have learned from the mistakes of the Bush administration that Obama is a bad President
Dionne: oh wait I just remembered something about Afghanistan - we’re totally fucked there
Gregory: Obama achieved a great victory last night
Maddow: except for not covering women
Gillespie: the bill uses the word “shall” and of course we can’t have government mandating things
Brooks: we’re America - we can’t afford to help sick Americans
Dionne: Reagan said Medicare was terrible - in 50 years Gillespie will sing the praises of Pelosi-care
Gillespie: under Obamacare I won’t live that long!
Maddow: the Republican plan really would wreck the economy - no one ever mentions that because they’re so worthless
Dionne: It’s simple - health care reform is a good fucking idea
Brooks: the problem with our system is we spend
too much making sick people well
Gregory: The Democrats lost on Tuesday!
Gillespie: Conservatives won in Virginia which is truly amazing
Maddow: Deeds lost because he sucked and ran away from Obama
Brooks: Democrats lost the county executive race in Westchester because Obama is bad man
Gregory: We have 10% unemployment in the
Obama recession!
Maddow: hey you might as well have second stimulus because the Dems and Obama are going to get blamed anyway
Brooks: John Maynard Keynes was wrong about everything
Dionne: actually the stimulus was too small
Gillespie: we need to bring back that Bush economy - fuck yeah!
************************
November 8, 2009
Guests:
General Casey
Gov. Haley Barbour
Gov. Ed Rendell
********************
Gregory: General I love your fatigues
Casey: thanks
Gregory: was this Fort Hood guy a lone gunman
Casey: I can’t answer that
Gregory: people think that counseling veterans stressed out by combat and then being sent to Iraq himself may have made him snap
Casey: and this is a surprise to you?
Gregory: how did the Army miss the warning signs?
Casey: Fluffy we really don’t know what happened
Gregory: but he hated our wars!
Casey: you are a silly person
Gregory: if he wanted to be discharged why not let him?
Casey: are you kidding - a muslim psychiatrist is like gold fluffy - gold!
Gregory: we send soldiers to repeated tours of duty - is that bad?
Casey: sure - we’re thinking about training soldiers to deal with it better
Gregory: but we will keep sending them into combat?
Casey: the empire won’t run itself Greggers
Gregory: can U.S. muslims fight our ongoing
war on Islam?
Casey: we don’t have a war on Islam
Gregroy: ok - should we send 40,000 troops
to Afghanistan?
Casey: yeah like I’m going to answer that
Gregory: The House passed a Democratic health reform bill so let me turn to an expert - Haley Barbour
Barbour: those Dems fahailed!
Gregory: aren’t the Democrats doomed Ed?
Rendell: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: but the centrists!
Rendell: calm down Fluffy
Barbour: theah merkin paypal don’t want government crammed down theah throat
Gregory: the middle class will hate the bill won’t they
Rendell: look you idiot it’s a good bill that will help millions of people
Gregory: Governor Barbour are the Democrats totally doomed?
Barbour: sadly yes - David Broder said so
Gregory: oh noe!
Barbour: people are very angry at health care reform - they want jobs - so of course they are turning to Republicans with their great track record
Gregory: the Moonie Times and Politico say Obama is doing too much and also not doing enough
Rendell: wow that’s stupid
Gregory: but he’s doing too much
Rendell: that’s silly
Gregory: just bash Obama ok
Barbour: Look its very simple - Obama is only popular because he is black and Americans just love
black people
Gregory: of course
Gregory: what do you think of Sarah Palin
Barbour: she’s an idiot
Gregory: could she be President?
Barbour: of what?
Gregory: will you run for President?
Barbour: we’ve done worse than me
Rendell: I don’t know about that
Gregory: Ed is Obama totally doomed?
Rendell: yeah whatever Fluffers
Gregory: please sing the praises of Saint Ronnie of the Deficit
Barbour: Reagan helped ordinary people not the rich fat cats on Wall Street
Rendell: what the fuck??
Gregory: do we need to send 40,000 more troops
to Afghanistan?
Barbour: definitely and if Obama sends then I promise we won’t compare him to Hitler anymore
Gregory: and if he doesn’t?
Barbour: the entire 2010 election will revolve around Dachau
Rendell: where are all these troops supposed to come from?
Barbour: Buddha will provide
[ break ]
Gregory: Obama has to send non-existent troops to Afghanistan or else he will be called a British-Indonesian-Kenyan-Muslim American-hater
Brooks: right
Maddow: they will call him StalinHitler no matter what
Gillespie: we have learned from the mistakes of the Bush administration that Obama is a bad President
Dionne: oh wait I just remembered something about Afghanistan - we’re totally fucked there
Gregory: Obama achieved a great victory last night
Maddow: except for not covering women
Gillespie: the bill uses the word “shall” and of course we can’t have government mandating things
Brooks: we’re America - we can’t afford to help sick Americans
Dionne: Reagan said Medicare was terrible - in 50 years Gillespie will sing the praises of Pelosi-care
Gillespie: under Obamacare I won’t live that long!
Maddow: the Republican plan really would wreck the economy - no one ever mentions that because they’re so worthless
Dionne: It’s simple - health care reform is a good fucking idea
Brooks: the problem with our system is we spend
too much making sick people well
Gregory: The Democrats lost on Tuesday!
Gillespie: Conservatives won in Virginia which is truly amazing
Maddow: Deeds lost because he sucked and ran away from Obama
Brooks: Democrats lost the county executive race in Westchester because Obama is bad man
Gregory: We have 10% unemployment in the
Obama recession!
Maddow: hey you might as well have second stimulus because the Dems and Obama are going to get blamed anyway
Brooks: John Maynard Keynes was wrong about everything
Dionne: actually the stimulus was too small
Gillespie: we need to bring back that Bush economy - fuck yeah!
************************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 8, 2009
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
November 8, 2009
Guests:
Tim Kaine
Michael Steele
********************
Stephanopoulos: hi did you bring any kids
or props today
Kaine: who do I look like Carrot Top?
Steele: [ waves foam finger ] it’s off the hook!
Stephanopoulos: Last night the House passed a health care billt
Kaine: Teddy Roosevelt wanted this bill and he was a big white hunting Republican
Steele: the problem with this bill is that is gives the government power and the U.S. government is evil
Kaine: ok
Steele: it’s a trick to debate late on a Saturday night - I mean we Republicans were all watching
Taylor Swift on NBC!
Kaine: we had months of debate idiot
Steele: no not really - we sent Obama a letter in April telling him to adopt GOP ideas and we never heard back from him
Kaine: are you sure you sent it to the White House?
Steele: we addressed it to “That Kenyan-Muslim Usurper, The Reagan House, Pennsylvania avenue”
Steph: are you the party of “No”
Steele: No
Steph: ok
Stephanopoulos: are Democrats doomed with independents?
Kaine: yeah sure good luck with that
argument Stephy
Steele: People voted for Chris Christie because they wanted to vote against Democrats in Washington
Kaine: sure they did
Steele: Boeher will be speaker of the house
Kaine: yikes
[ SPIT TAKE ]
Stephanopoulos: hey I bought this suit at JC Pennys
Kaine: this year we’ve picked up two senate seats and two house seats
Steele: true - but Obama is still black
Stephanopoulos: so are you
Steele: [ SPIT TAKE ]
holy shit!
Steph: not again
Kaine: we’re creating stimulus jobs
Steele: that’s a government contract - not a real job
Lockheed Martin: damm right!
Stephanopoulos: you lost the NY-23 district
Steele: no the conservative won that seat
two years from now
Stephanopoulos: um what
Steele: we have a future victory
Kaine: they lost the seat they held since 1870 because Sarah Palin is idiot and the GOP is imploding
Steele: There’s a 2,000 pound baby on the railroad tracks of progress
Stephanopoulos: okay then
********************
November 8, 2009
Guests:
Tim Kaine
Michael Steele
********************
Stephanopoulos: hi did you bring any kids
or props today
Kaine: who do I look like Carrot Top?
Steele: [ waves foam finger ] it’s off the hook!
Stephanopoulos: Last night the House passed a health care billt
Kaine: Teddy Roosevelt wanted this bill and he was a big white hunting Republican
Steele: the problem with this bill is that is gives the government power and the U.S. government is evil
Kaine: ok
Steele: it’s a trick to debate late on a Saturday night - I mean we Republicans were all watching
Taylor Swift on NBC!
Kaine: we had months of debate idiot
Steele: no not really - we sent Obama a letter in April telling him to adopt GOP ideas and we never heard back from him
Kaine: are you sure you sent it to the White House?
Steele: we addressed it to “That Kenyan-Muslim Usurper, The Reagan House, Pennsylvania avenue”
Steph: are you the party of “No”
Steele: No
Steph: ok
Stephanopoulos: are Democrats doomed with independents?
Kaine: yeah sure good luck with that
argument Stephy
Steele: People voted for Chris Christie because they wanted to vote against Democrats in Washington
Kaine: sure they did
Steele: Boeher will be speaker of the house
Kaine: yikes
[ SPIT TAKE ]
Stephanopoulos: hey I bought this suit at JC Pennys
Kaine: this year we’ve picked up two senate seats and two house seats
Steele: true - but Obama is still black
Stephanopoulos: so are you
Steele: [ SPIT TAKE ]
holy shit!
Steph: not again
Kaine: we’re creating stimulus jobs
Steele: that’s a government contract - not a real job
Lockheed Martin: damm right!
Stephanopoulos: you lost the NY-23 district
Steele: no the conservative won that seat
two years from now
Stephanopoulos: um what
Steele: we have a future victory
Kaine: they lost the seat they held since 1870 because Sarah Palin is idiot and the GOP is imploding
Steele: There’s a 2,000 pound baby on the railroad tracks of progress
Stephanopoulos: okay then
********************
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Face the Nation with Joe Lieberman - November 1, 2009
Face the Nation
November 1, 2009
Guest: Sen. Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT)
************************
Schieffer: Holy Joe thanks for coming
Lieberman: thank you very much Bob
Schieffer: So the Democrats may pass health care reform public option - what do you think?
Lieberman: I’m all for health care reform but we have to worry about the state of the economy in 20 years and a public option might help people and save lives in the short term but in the long run it will run up the debt and destroy America
[ shakes jowls vigorously ]
Schieffer: but most people like it
Lieberman: sure they do but this crazy idea
that people deserve health care just came
out of nowhere!
Schieffer: Liberals say we need it to save lives
Lieberman: true but we must be ready to kill the many to save the few who make our incredibly
fragile economy the envy of the world
Schieffer: will you filibuster a public option?
Lieberman: I will - I must stop this horrific idea
that the government would create an entitlement
for health care
[begins weeping]
Schieffer: you think people are not entitled to
decent health care?
Lieberman: not if they are not as wonderful as I am
Schieffer: is anyone in America as terrific as you?
Lieberman: touchdown Jesus
Schieffer: but your filibuster could kill all health
care reform
Lieberman: oh no I’m not the one who would
do that - those horrible people who push for the public option are -- they are mean and say if you
are not for the government insurance you must
be a bad person
[ starts crying ]
Schieffer: would rather have no reform at all
than a government-run insurance program
Lieberman: yes - because the public plan will be
so very expensive that no one will enroll in it which will be bad because it will be too unpopular and
also it will run up the debt and raise taxes when everyone enrolls
Schieffer: this has nothing to do with the $400,000 you got this year alone from insurance companies
Lieberman: oh no no no I hate insurance companies
Schieffer: really?
Lieberman: yeah I even pretended I would remove their anti-trust exemption
[ wipes tears]
Schieffer: will you stop crying
Lieberman: this takes us down a road America has never gone down before - America providing health care to its citizens is a nightmare scenario
[sobs]
Schieffer: you also want to put more troops in Afghanistan even though their government is
totally corrupt
Lieberman: Oh no no Karzai is the Last Honest Man in Afghanistan - our troops need to believe in his inherent goodness
Schieffer: you’re like a jowly Rush Limbaugh
Lieberman: no I actually don't believe Obama despises America or fakes his compassion
for the troops
Schieffer: golly you’re such a moderate
*********************
November 1, 2009
Guest: Sen. Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT)
************************
Schieffer: Holy Joe thanks for coming
Lieberman: thank you very much Bob
Schieffer: So the Democrats may pass health care reform public option - what do you think?
Lieberman: I’m all for health care reform but we have to worry about the state of the economy in 20 years and a public option might help people and save lives in the short term but in the long run it will run up the debt and destroy America
[ shakes jowls vigorously ]
Schieffer: but most people like it
Lieberman: sure they do but this crazy idea
that people deserve health care just came
out of nowhere!
Schieffer: Liberals say we need it to save lives
Lieberman: true but we must be ready to kill the many to save the few who make our incredibly
fragile economy the envy of the world
Schieffer: will you filibuster a public option?
Lieberman: I will - I must stop this horrific idea
that the government would create an entitlement
for health care
[begins weeping]
Schieffer: you think people are not entitled to
decent health care?
Lieberman: not if they are not as wonderful as I am
Schieffer: is anyone in America as terrific as you?
Lieberman: touchdown Jesus
Schieffer: but your filibuster could kill all health
care reform
Lieberman: oh no I’m not the one who would
do that - those horrible people who push for the public option are -- they are mean and say if you
are not for the government insurance you must
be a bad person
[ starts crying ]
Schieffer: would rather have no reform at all
than a government-run insurance program
Lieberman: yes - because the public plan will be
so very expensive that no one will enroll in it which will be bad because it will be too unpopular and
also it will run up the debt and raise taxes when everyone enrolls
Schieffer: this has nothing to do with the $400,000 you got this year alone from insurance companies
Lieberman: oh no no no I hate insurance companies
Schieffer: really?
Lieberman: yeah I even pretended I would remove their anti-trust exemption
[ wipes tears]
Schieffer: will you stop crying
Lieberman: this takes us down a road America has never gone down before - America providing health care to its citizens is a nightmare scenario
[sobs]
Schieffer: you also want to put more troops in Afghanistan even though their government is
totally corrupt
Lieberman: Oh no no Karzai is the Last Honest Man in Afghanistan - our troops need to believe in his inherent goodness
Schieffer: you’re like a jowly Rush Limbaugh
Lieberman: no I actually don't believe Obama despises America or fakes his compassion
for the troops
Schieffer: golly you’re such a moderate
*********************
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Meet The Press - Halloween Episode - October 31, 2009
Meet The Press
October 31, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
Frankenstein
The Mummy
The Wolfman
Zombie
********************************
Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming
McCain: thank you David
Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry
Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here
Wolfman: Good morning everyone
Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave
Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph
Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?
McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-
Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!
[ zombie lunges at McCain ]
Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain
McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh
Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom
Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly
Frankenstein: so nothing new then
Wolfman: ha good one Frank
Frankenstein: thanks Wolf
Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on
McCain: moooooaaaannn
Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill
Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business
Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal
Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm
Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!
Gregory: sorry to hear that
Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph
Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?
Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me
Gregory: oh really sorry
Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank
McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
braaaaaainnnnsss!!
Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?
Gregory: but the deficit!!!
Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this
Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller
Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock
Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true
Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???
Gregory: all good questions
McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains
Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy
Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!
Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]
McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee
Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator
Frankenstein: that’s a shame
Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on
[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]
Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?
Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron
Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!
Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity
Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation
Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around
Gregory: good point
McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!
Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf
Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry
Gregory: thanks very much Count
Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad
Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!
Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans
Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person
Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry
Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?
Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe
Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???
Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-
Gregory: and James Carville?
Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll
Gregory: ah
Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]
Gregory: gee I don’t know
Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed
[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]
Gregory: oh my
Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain
**************
October 31, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
Frankenstein
The Mummy
The Wolfman
Zombie
********************************
Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming
McCain: thank you David
Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry
Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here
Wolfman: Good morning everyone
Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave
Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph
Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?
McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-
Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!
[ zombie lunges at McCain ]
Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain
McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh
Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom
Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly
Frankenstein: so nothing new then
Wolfman: ha good one Frank
Frankenstein: thanks Wolf
Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on
McCain: moooooaaaannn
Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill
Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business
Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal
Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm
Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!
Gregory: sorry to hear that
Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph
Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?
Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me
Gregory: oh really sorry
Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank
McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
braaaaaainnnnsss!!
Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?
Gregory: but the deficit!!!
Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this
Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller
Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock
Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true
Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???
Gregory: all good questions
McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains
Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy
Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!
Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]
McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee
Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator
Frankenstein: that’s a shame
Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on
[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]
Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?
Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron
Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!
Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity
Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation
Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around
Gregory: good point
McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!
Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf
Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry
Gregory: thanks very much Count
Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad
Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!
Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans
Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person
Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry
Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?
Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe
Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???
Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-
Gregory: and James Carville?
Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll
Gregory: ah
Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]
Gregory: gee I don’t know
Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed
[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]
Gregory: oh my
Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain
**************
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Meet The Press - October 25, 2009
Meet The Press
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
********************
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?
Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so
Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes
Gregory: have we won in Iraq?
Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers
Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!
Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave
Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!
Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic
Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars
Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets
Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??
Schumer: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Public option - yes or no?
Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field
Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?
Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?
Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!
Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?
Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!
Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled
Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration
Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck
Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!
Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?
Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy
Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!
Cornyn: well technically
Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?
Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals
Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck
[break]
Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??
Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options
Gregory: oh thank god
Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad
Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?
Sorkin: they all belong to same country club
Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!
Sorkin: right
Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]
Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!
[ laughs ]
Burnett: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but the debt!!
Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!
Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed
Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?
Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction
Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley
Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard
Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil
Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi
Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi
Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?
Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican
Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!
Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!
Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!
Gregory: where is the public option?
Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger
Gregory: how do you know?
Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so
Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?
Scarborough: I’m so charming
Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?
Smiley: He’s gotta lead!
Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!
Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred
Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops
Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die
Gregory: fascinating
Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die
Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people
Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above
Smiley: this is nonsense!
Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go
Senor: we need thousands of marines!
Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away
Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?
Scarborough: yes!
Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP
Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
********************
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?
Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so
Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes
Gregory: have we won in Iraq?
Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers
Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!
Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave
Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!
Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic
Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars
Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets
Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??
Schumer: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Public option - yes or no?
Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field
Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?
Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?
Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!
Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?
Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!
Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled
Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration
Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck
Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!
Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?
Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy
Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!
Cornyn: well technically
Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?
Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals
Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck
[break]
Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??
Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options
Gregory: oh thank god
Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad
Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?
Sorkin: they all belong to same country club
Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!
Sorkin: right
Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]
Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!
[ laughs ]
Burnett: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but the debt!!
Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!
Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed
Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?
Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction
Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley
Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard
Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil
Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi
Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi
Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?
Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican
Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!
Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!
Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!
Gregory: where is the public option?
Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger
Gregory: how do you know?
Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so
Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?
Scarborough: I’m so charming
Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?
Smiley: He’s gotta lead!
Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!
Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred
Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops
Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die
Gregory: fascinating
Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die
Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people
Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above
Smiley: this is nonsense!
Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go
Senor: we need thousands of marines!
Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away
Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?
Scarborough: yes!
Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP
Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 25, 2009
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
**************
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?
McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working
Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?
McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business
Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?
McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill
Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you
McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia
Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?
McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side
Stephanopoulos: wow
Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants
McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system
Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?
McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to
Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?
McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…
Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist
McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?
McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh
Stephanopoulos: ok
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?
Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass
Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!
Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest
Stephanopoulos: oh
Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea
Stephanopoulos: of course
Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren
Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants
Will: all bills should be on the Internet
Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up
Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000
Podesta: well why not?
Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more
Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars
Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists
Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!
Stephanopoulos: Controversy!
*************
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
**************
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?
McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working
Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?
McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business
Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?
McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill
Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you
McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia
Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?
McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side
Stephanopoulos: wow
Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants
McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system
Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?
McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to
Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?
McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…
Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist
McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?
McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh
Stephanopoulos: ok
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?
Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass
Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!
Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest
Stephanopoulos: oh
Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea
Stephanopoulos: of course
Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren
Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants
Will: all bills should be on the Internet
Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up
Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000
Podesta: well why not?
Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more
Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars
Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists
Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!
Stephanopoulos: Controversy!
*************
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Meet the Press - October 18, 2009
October 18, 2009
Guests:
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
*****************
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!
Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was
Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??
Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’
Gregory: second stimulus?
Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month
Gregory: how is that?
Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!
Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!
Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class
Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!
Gregory: Will he push for a public option?
Jarrett: he likes it
Gregory: but will he demand it?
Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it
Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?
Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”
Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible
Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu
Gregory: what’s your answer
Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov
[ break ]
Gregory: should we have a public option?
Dodd: you’re damm right we should
Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it
Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it
Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat
Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it
Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?
Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful
Gregory: what’s your health care plan?
Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!
Greg: how would that work?
Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??
Greg: do you support a trigger option?
Kyl: hell no!
Dodd: hell no!
Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!
Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?
Kyl: 9/11
Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?
Kyl: free market
Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?
Kyl: grrrrrr
Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!
Kyl: well most of them were old anyway
Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?
Dodd: it’s an outrage!
Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords
Gregory: okay then
Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!
Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change
Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this
Gregory: thanks Val
Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work
Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course
Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won
Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship
Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused
Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker
Audience: good luck with that
Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job
Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President
Gregory: what about the male ego?
Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about
Gregory: I have no ego
Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show
Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents
Gregory: fascinating
Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time
Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow
Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Shriver: telecommuting
Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in
Shriver: what did she say?
Gregory: she thought I already was
Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient
Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working
Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too
Gregory: when do we get a woman President?
Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday
Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!
Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are
Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria
Guests:
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
*****************
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!
Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was
Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??
Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’
Gregory: second stimulus?
Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month
Gregory: how is that?
Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!
Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!
Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class
Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!
Gregory: Will he push for a public option?
Jarrett: he likes it
Gregory: but will he demand it?
Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it
Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?
Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”
Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible
Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu
Gregory: what’s your answer
Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov
[ break ]
Gregory: should we have a public option?
Dodd: you’re damm right we should
Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it
Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it
Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat
Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it
Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?
Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful
Gregory: what’s your health care plan?
Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!
Greg: how would that work?
Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??
Greg: do you support a trigger option?
Kyl: hell no!
Dodd: hell no!
Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!
Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?
Kyl: 9/11
Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?
Kyl: free market
Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?
Kyl: grrrrrr
Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!
Kyl: well most of them were old anyway
Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?
Dodd: it’s an outrage!
Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords
Gregory: okay then
Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!
Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change
Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this
Gregory: thanks Val
Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work
Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course
Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won
Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship
Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused
Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker
Audience: good luck with that
Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job
Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President
Gregory: what about the male ego?
Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about
Gregory: I have no ego
Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show
Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents
Gregory: fascinating
Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time
Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow
Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Shriver: telecommuting
Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in
Shriver: what did she say?
Gregory: she thought I already was
Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient
Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working
Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too
Gregory: when do we get a woman President?
Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday
Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!
Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are
Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 18, 2009
October 18, 2009
Guest:
White House Advisor David Axelrod
**************
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?
Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful
Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?
Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy
Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??
Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?
Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?
Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does
Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?
Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen
Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?
Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative
Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?
Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?
Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion
Stephanopoulos: I see
Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit
Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi
Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]
Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will
Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?
Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy
Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!
Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them
Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?
Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion
Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??
Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees
Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!
Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]
Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?
Axelrod: Fox what?
Stephanopoulos: that Fox station
Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station
Stephanopoulos: whoa
Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars
Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me
Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too
Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings
Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings
Stephanopoulos: I said ratings
Axelrod: those too
**********
Guest:
White House Advisor David Axelrod
**************
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?
Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful
Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?
Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy
Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??
Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?
Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?
Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does
Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?
Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen
Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?
Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative
Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?
Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?
Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion
Stephanopoulos: I see
Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit
Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi
Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]
Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will
Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?
Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy
Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!
Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them
Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?
Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion
Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??
Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees
Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!
Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]
Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?
Axelrod: Fox what?
Stephanopoulos: that Fox station
Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station
Stephanopoulos: whoa
Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars
Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me
Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too
Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings
Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings
Stephanopoulos: I said ratings
Axelrod: those too
**********
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Meet the Press - October 11, 2009
October 11, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
************************
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?
Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country
Gregory: should we send more troops?
Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines
Graham: What do you think Lindy?
Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops
Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan
Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world
Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party
Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: yikes
McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops
Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over
Gregory: Awesome idea
Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over
Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government
Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?
Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums
Gregory: Is Obama weak?
Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak
Gregory: Like George Bush did?
Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there
Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?
Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development
Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?
Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over
Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up
Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality
Gregory: what made you think that?
Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize
McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation
Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children
Gregory: interesting
Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq
Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!
Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy
Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years
Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle
Gregory: that’s disturbing
Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government
Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy
Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!
McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities
Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?
Levin: of course we should
Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it
Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign
Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?
Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am
Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area
[ break]
Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?
Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation
Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it
Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings
Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer
Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything
Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it
Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?
Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??
Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??
Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up
Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave
Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous
Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!
Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush
Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan
Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron
Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!
Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!
Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular
Kay: you’re all idiots
Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan
Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county
Gregory: what about the American economy?
Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood
Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus
Gregory: makes sense
Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation
Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?
Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it
Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans
Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well
Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]
Kay: Calm down Fluffy
*********************
Guests:
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
************************
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?
Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country
Gregory: should we send more troops?
Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines
Graham: What do you think Lindy?
Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops
Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan
Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world
Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party
Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: yikes
McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops
Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over
Gregory: Awesome idea
Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over
Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government
Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?
Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums
Gregory: Is Obama weak?
Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak
Gregory: Like George Bush did?
Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there
Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?
Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development
Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?
Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over
Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up
Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality
Gregory: what made you think that?
Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize
McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation
Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children
Gregory: interesting
Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq
Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!
Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy
Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years
Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle
Gregory: that’s disturbing
Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government
Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy
Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!
McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities
Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?
Levin: of course we should
Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it
Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign
Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?
Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am
Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area
[ break]
Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?
Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation
Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it
Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings
Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer
Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything
Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it
Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?
Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??
Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??
Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up
Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave
Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous
Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!
Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush
Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan
Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron
Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!
Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!
Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular
Kay: you’re all idiots
Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan
Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county
Gregory: what about the American economy?
Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood
Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus
Gregory: makes sense
Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation
Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?
Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it
Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans
Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well
Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]
Kay: Calm down Fluffy
*********************
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 11, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
**************
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?
Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country
Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific
Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy
Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex
Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above
Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work
Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence
Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over
Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?
Keane: 2013
Stephanopoulos: why so long?
Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion
McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??
Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is
Stephanopoulos: so why stay?
Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country
Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute
Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box
Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys
Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?
Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!
Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?
Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma
Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals
McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government
Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?
Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons
Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize
Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work
Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator
Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war
Stephanopoulos: good luck with that
Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?
Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?
Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia
McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire
Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later
Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland
Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?
Feinstein: no that would be a war crime
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
******************
Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
**************
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?
Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country
Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific
Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy
Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex
Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above
Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work
Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence
Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over
Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?
Keane: 2013
Stephanopoulos: why so long?
Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion
McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??
Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is
Stephanopoulos: so why stay?
Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country
Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute
Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box
Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys
Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?
Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!
Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?
Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma
Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals
McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government
Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?
Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons
Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize
Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work
Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator
Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war
Stephanopoulos: good luck with that
Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?
Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?
Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia
McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire
Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later
Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland
Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?
Feinstein: no that would be a war crime
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
******************
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Meet the Press with UN Ambassador Susan Rice - October 4, 2009
October 4, 2009
Guests:
Susan Rice - US Ambassdor to the U.N.
***************
Gregory: OMG Iran is going build a nuclear
bomb and kill us all!!!
[ hides under his desk ]
Rice: um, david?
Gregory: [ peers out from under desk ]
yes?
Rice: don’t panic dave - we’re going to force them
to prove they are enriching uranium for the fun of it
Gregory: [ still under desk ]
but I’m so scared
Rice: we’re going to take care of it dave
Gregory: what’s your deadline?
Rice: Friday
Gregory: really?
[ smacks head on desk ] ow!
Rice: no I’m just fucking with you
Gregory: but Charles Krauthammer says you sold out Poland while Iran is going to acquire the bomb!
Rice: I heard you were a moron - but I didn’t
know you were such a hack
Gregory: but they’re so swarthy!
Rice: criminy we build a huge coalition and all you can do is bitch and whine
Gregory: will you cripple Iran?
Rice: yes if we have to
Gregory: when?? I can’t wait!!!
Rice: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: can we please make Iran another
U.S. colony?
Rice: no
Gregory: but the hostage crisis!
Rice: you’re weird
Gregory: 8 soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today
Rice: it’s not all tea and crumpets
Gregory: why doesn’t Obama just listen to Generals with all their pretty medals
Rice: Look Bush fucked up for 7 years and we’re trying to fix it
Gregory: that may be but why can’t he Grant
The Wishes of His Commanders like that Genie in Alladdin?
Rice: Obama is the damm President and he looks
at the whole global Effort and he won’t just do whatever one general somewhere wants - otherwise McChrystal would be the President
Gregory: well he is a handsome white man
Rice: um yeah
Gregory: will we stay in Afghanistan forever and ever
Rice: maybe forever
Gregory: but not ever!
Rice: hey we have to battle crazy people in southeastern Asia, Africa, the Middle East
and Alaska
Gregory: by failing to occupy Afghanistan permanently you’re surrendering to the
Lefty hippies!
Rice: stop crying
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake trying to get
the Olympics?
Rice: Obama will never apologize for America even
if it means being bashed by stupid pundits
Gregory: the U.N. is just a parade of brown people criticizing America and that gives me a sad
Rice: what a big baby you are
[ break ]
Gregory: Will Obama fulfill his pledge to stay in Afghanistan forever and ever and ever and ever
Brooks: I’m scared that Obama may not permanently occupy that remote mountainous desert nation
Maddow: they don’t want to lose Afghanistan which a good liberal war but not get trapped in a quagmire which is a bad liberal war
Murphy: Obama should never have invaded Afghanistan
Dionne: you are very silly person
Brooks: it would be a moral tragedy if we were to
let the Taliban take over their own country
Maddow: that’s stupid
Murphy: we need to put in 100,000 more troops to save the Afghanistan from itself
Dionne: yeah you and Brooks such a military experts
Gregory: OMG SNL had biting satire in a skit that said Obama hasn’t accomplished anything!!!
Maddow: you got to be fucking kidding me
Gregory: but The Left hates Obama’s failure to fix Bush’s mistakes!!
Maddow: I am critical of Obama too but that’s ridiculous
Gregory: oh no the Obama unemployment!
Brooks: Obama promised we would be at 7% unemployment by now
Maddow: that’s a lie
Brooks: we overspent for 30 years - this proves
we need to elect more Republicans
Murphy: around the kitchen table people complain about the Obama stimulus package
Dionne: that’s total bullshit
Gregory: Obama bailed out the banks!
Dionne: no that’s another lie
Brooks: In addition to being a noted liar and military expert I also haz a smart on economically money things
Murphy: Obama should have worked with Republicans and admitted he is an Indonesian
Witch Doctor from Britain
Maddow: ha ha ha
Gregory: Obama totally failed to get
the Olympics
Maddow: It was disgusting to see the right wingers cheering for America to fail
Murphy: oh now you’re suggesting the wingnuts lack patriotism
Maddow: no - I’m coming right out and saying it
Dionne: they put Obama-hatred before love
of country
Gregory: [ clutches pearls ]
but a Democrat said the GOP was for a Holocaust!
Maddow: that’s normal for the Republicans
Gregory: [ lies down on fainting couch ]
it’s so shrill
[ swoons ]
Brooks: but Limbaugh and Beck don’t even control GOP primary voters - they are loud but weak
Murphy: MSNBC is one-party liberal network
Maddow: Joe Scarborough is on 3 hours a day
Murphy: um um um
Gregory: why is all this shrillness on tv??
Dionne: because idiots like you love to talk about it
Brooks: the crazy people like Palin get all the attention but there is no evidence that she is
really that popular
Murphy: Sarah Palin is an idiot, true, but the lunatics in the GOP don’t really have all that power that they appear to have
Maddow: ok fine guys but she is the most famous Republican and she was the Vice Presidential nominee and she’s linked to a white supremacist
Murphy: oh that’s just guilt by association
Maddow: well she has an association with a white supremacist!
Murphy: harrumph
Gregory: speaking of promoting civility in political debate, I loved my lying smearing Nixon acolyte good friend William Safire - what a cuddly curmudgeon he was
Guests:
Susan Rice - US Ambassdor to the U.N.
***************
Gregory: OMG Iran is going build a nuclear
bomb and kill us all!!!
[ hides under his desk ]
Rice: um, david?
Gregory: [ peers out from under desk ]
yes?
Rice: don’t panic dave - we’re going to force them
to prove they are enriching uranium for the fun of it
Gregory: [ still under desk ]
but I’m so scared
Rice: we’re going to take care of it dave
Gregory: what’s your deadline?
Rice: Friday
Gregory: really?
[ smacks head on desk ] ow!
Rice: no I’m just fucking with you
Gregory: but Charles Krauthammer says you sold out Poland while Iran is going to acquire the bomb!
Rice: I heard you were a moron - but I didn’t
know you were such a hack
Gregory: but they’re so swarthy!
Rice: criminy we build a huge coalition and all you can do is bitch and whine
Gregory: will you cripple Iran?
Rice: yes if we have to
Gregory: when?? I can’t wait!!!
Rice: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: can we please make Iran another
U.S. colony?
Rice: no
Gregory: but the hostage crisis!
Rice: you’re weird
Gregory: 8 soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today
Rice: it’s not all tea and crumpets
Gregory: why doesn’t Obama just listen to Generals with all their pretty medals
Rice: Look Bush fucked up for 7 years and we’re trying to fix it
Gregory: that may be but why can’t he Grant
The Wishes of His Commanders like that Genie in Alladdin?
Rice: Obama is the damm President and he looks
at the whole global Effort and he won’t just do whatever one general somewhere wants - otherwise McChrystal would be the President
Gregory: well he is a handsome white man
Rice: um yeah
Gregory: will we stay in Afghanistan forever and ever
Rice: maybe forever
Gregory: but not ever!
Rice: hey we have to battle crazy people in southeastern Asia, Africa, the Middle East
and Alaska
Gregory: by failing to occupy Afghanistan permanently you’re surrendering to the
Lefty hippies!
Rice: stop crying
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake trying to get
the Olympics?
Rice: Obama will never apologize for America even
if it means being bashed by stupid pundits
Gregory: the U.N. is just a parade of brown people criticizing America and that gives me a sad
Rice: what a big baby you are
[ break ]
Gregory: Will Obama fulfill his pledge to stay in Afghanistan forever and ever and ever and ever
Brooks: I’m scared that Obama may not permanently occupy that remote mountainous desert nation
Maddow: they don’t want to lose Afghanistan which a good liberal war but not get trapped in a quagmire which is a bad liberal war
Murphy: Obama should never have invaded Afghanistan
Dionne: you are very silly person
Brooks: it would be a moral tragedy if we were to
let the Taliban take over their own country
Maddow: that’s stupid
Murphy: we need to put in 100,000 more troops to save the Afghanistan from itself
Dionne: yeah you and Brooks such a military experts
Gregory: OMG SNL had biting satire in a skit that said Obama hasn’t accomplished anything!!!
Maddow: you got to be fucking kidding me
Gregory: but The Left hates Obama’s failure to fix Bush’s mistakes!!
Maddow: I am critical of Obama too but that’s ridiculous
Gregory: oh no the Obama unemployment!
Brooks: Obama promised we would be at 7% unemployment by now
Maddow: that’s a lie
Brooks: we overspent for 30 years - this proves
we need to elect more Republicans
Murphy: around the kitchen table people complain about the Obama stimulus package
Dionne: that’s total bullshit
Gregory: Obama bailed out the banks!
Dionne: no that’s another lie
Brooks: In addition to being a noted liar and military expert I also haz a smart on economically money things
Murphy: Obama should have worked with Republicans and admitted he is an Indonesian
Witch Doctor from Britain
Maddow: ha ha ha
Gregory: Obama totally failed to get
the Olympics
Maddow: It was disgusting to see the right wingers cheering for America to fail
Murphy: oh now you’re suggesting the wingnuts lack patriotism
Maddow: no - I’m coming right out and saying it
Dionne: they put Obama-hatred before love
of country
Gregory: [ clutches pearls ]
but a Democrat said the GOP was for a Holocaust!
Maddow: that’s normal for the Republicans
Gregory: [ lies down on fainting couch ]
it’s so shrill
[ swoons ]
Brooks: but Limbaugh and Beck don’t even control GOP primary voters - they are loud but weak
Murphy: MSNBC is one-party liberal network
Maddow: Joe Scarborough is on 3 hours a day
Murphy: um um um
Gregory: why is all this shrillness on tv??
Dionne: because idiots like you love to talk about it
Brooks: the crazy people like Palin get all the attention but there is no evidence that she is
really that popular
Murphy: Sarah Palin is an idiot, true, but the lunatics in the GOP don’t really have all that power that they appear to have
Maddow: ok fine guys but she is the most famous Republican and she was the Vice Presidential nominee and she’s linked to a white supremacist
Murphy: oh that’s just guilt by association
Maddow: well she has an association with a white supremacist!
Murphy: harrumph
Gregory: speaking of promoting civility in political debate, I loved my lying smearing Nixon acolyte good friend William Safire - what a cuddly curmudgeon he was
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 4, 2009
This Week With George Stephanopoulos
October 4, 2009
Guests:
Alan Greenspan
Sen. Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Cornyn (R-Texas)
**************
Stephanopoulos: wow we’ve lost 7 million jobs - now let’s talk to the man who made it all happen
Greenspan: my deep learning tells me that this
is awful
Stephanopoulos: wow
Greenspan: the reason that is bad is that the economy suffers
Stephanopoulos: people too
Greenspan: what makes people great are a great economy with many capital assets
Stephanopoulos: what’s the solution?
Greenspan: there’s a silver lining - businesses thought the economy would be so bad that they
fired all their employees prematurely
Stephanopoulos: Premature capitulation
Greenspan: indeed
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama do?
Greenspan: fix the economy
Stephanopoulos: what else?
Greenspan: cut taxes
Stephanopoulos: what about another stimulus?
Greenspan: no because it’s already working and
it has failed
Stephanopoulos: do you have a newsletter?
Greenspan: this is what a recovery looks like
Stephanopoulos: increasing unemployment?
Greenspan: right
Stephanopoulos: should we help suffering unemployed people?
Greenspan: yes but only to prevent people from storming Wall Street with pitchforks and torches
Stephanopoulos: okay
Stephanopoulos: should we reform health care?
Greenspan: no because we’re borrowing too much money
Stephanopoulos: oh well that’s too bad
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: talk economy to me Chuckles
Schumer: we’re going to extend unemployment benefits
Cornyn: damm right lots and lots of people in Texas are unemployed!
Stephanopoulos: do we need another stimulus?
Cornyn: unemployed Americans are really really scared that Washington is just going to throw money at the problem
Schumer: you could reform health care
Cornyn: we should send every American a COBRA
Schumer: good idea but it’s a very expensive program
Cornyn: no an actual cobra - snake handling is
an accepted practice in Texas
Stephanopoulos: Senator Crapo had a crappy idea
Schumer: shocking
Cornyn: the whole point should be to lower costs - and keep Wellness Accounts like at Whole Foods
Stephanopoulos: What the hell are you talking about?
Schumer: Do Republicans understand employers can take away your coverage now?
Cornyn: no!
Schumer: yes!
Stephanopoulos: All Hail President Snowe!
Cornyn: the government will take over Medicare, increase prices, kill the elderly, and promote cannibalism
Schumer: Orrin Hatch wants to exempt people with magic underwear - how is that a plan?
Cornyn: Jim Bunning found out that the bill misplaced $11 billion by exempting Bill Gates
Schumer: Oh yes the noted reasoned intellectual Jim Bunning
Stephanopoulos: so Chucky can you pass a bill
or not?
Schumer: we’re going to pass a public option and we need it dammit
Cornyn: how many times do we have to say it - a public option would be too popular and so many people would enroll in it that they would lose their private insurance and be stuck with the public plan which they would hate
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming idiots
October 4, 2009
Guests:
Alan Greenspan
Sen. Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Cornyn (R-Texas)
**************
Stephanopoulos: wow we’ve lost 7 million jobs - now let’s talk to the man who made it all happen
Greenspan: my deep learning tells me that this
is awful
Stephanopoulos: wow
Greenspan: the reason that is bad is that the economy suffers
Stephanopoulos: people too
Greenspan: what makes people great are a great economy with many capital assets
Stephanopoulos: what’s the solution?
Greenspan: there’s a silver lining - businesses thought the economy would be so bad that they
fired all their employees prematurely
Stephanopoulos: Premature capitulation
Greenspan: indeed
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama do?
Greenspan: fix the economy
Stephanopoulos: what else?
Greenspan: cut taxes
Stephanopoulos: what about another stimulus?
Greenspan: no because it’s already working and
it has failed
Stephanopoulos: do you have a newsletter?
Greenspan: this is what a recovery looks like
Stephanopoulos: increasing unemployment?
Greenspan: right
Stephanopoulos: should we help suffering unemployed people?
Greenspan: yes but only to prevent people from storming Wall Street with pitchforks and torches
Stephanopoulos: okay
Stephanopoulos: should we reform health care?
Greenspan: no because we’re borrowing too much money
Stephanopoulos: oh well that’s too bad
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: talk economy to me Chuckles
Schumer: we’re going to extend unemployment benefits
Cornyn: damm right lots and lots of people in Texas are unemployed!
Stephanopoulos: do we need another stimulus?
Cornyn: unemployed Americans are really really scared that Washington is just going to throw money at the problem
Schumer: you could reform health care
Cornyn: we should send every American a COBRA
Schumer: good idea but it’s a very expensive program
Cornyn: no an actual cobra - snake handling is
an accepted practice in Texas
Stephanopoulos: Senator Crapo had a crappy idea
Schumer: shocking
Cornyn: the whole point should be to lower costs - and keep Wellness Accounts like at Whole Foods
Stephanopoulos: What the hell are you talking about?
Schumer: Do Republicans understand employers can take away your coverage now?
Cornyn: no!
Schumer: yes!
Stephanopoulos: All Hail President Snowe!
Cornyn: the government will take over Medicare, increase prices, kill the elderly, and promote cannibalism
Schumer: Orrin Hatch wants to exempt people with magic underwear - how is that a plan?
Cornyn: Jim Bunning found out that the bill misplaced $11 billion by exempting Bill Gates
Schumer: Oh yes the noted reasoned intellectual Jim Bunning
Stephanopoulos: so Chucky can you pass a bill
or not?
Schumer: we’re going to pass a public option and we need it dammit
Cornyn: how many times do we have to say it - a public option would be too popular and so many people would enroll in it that they would lose their private insurance and be stuck with the public plan which they would hate
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming idiots
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Meet the Press with Bill Clinton - September 27, 2009
Guests:
Bill Clinton
Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
***********************
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?
Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive
Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?
Clinton: neither
Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?
Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing
Gregory: [ serious face ]
Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-
Gregory: do you like my serious face?
Clinton: it’s very nice
Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?
Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them
Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?
Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy
Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?
Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election
Gregory: that seems quite peculiar
Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy
Gregory: fascinating
Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam
Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!
Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]
Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military
Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US
Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows
[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]
Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?
Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day
Gregory: but nothing since then
Clinton: see how diabolical they are?
Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women
Clinton: indeed
Gregory: what have you accomplished?
Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people
Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars
Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it
Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?
Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?
Gregory: that’s right
Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?
Gregory: [ looks confused ]
Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron
Gregory: but the taxes!!
Clinton: calm down fluffy
Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?
Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results
Gregory: has he asked for your help?
Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart
Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?
Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin
Gregory: so much fun
Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: with there be another 1994?
Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby
Gregory: will you run for President again?
Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]
Gregory: so yes?
Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun
[ break ]
Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?
Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!
Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance
Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas
Gregory: yikes
Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran
Webb: he’s damm lunatic
Gregory: Ahmedinejad?
Webb: no Senator Kyl
Gregory: we all know that
Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war
Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops
Webb: sure but-
Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!
Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it
Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform
Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army
Gregory: you want to impose a deadline
Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics
Kyl: leave Utah out of this
Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11
Kyl: and she would know!
Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?
Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!
Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!
Gregory: but-
Webb: and they left before the Surge!
Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!
Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?
Webb: jesus you really are fucker
[ break ]
Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you
Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run
Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run
Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run
Gregory: was the White House one of them?
Paterson: maybe
Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?
Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious
Gregory: I see
Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway
Gregory: why are your polls so low?
Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion
Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you
Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor
Gregory: wow
Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit
Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?
Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons
Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?
Paterson: I already did fluffy
Gregory: but you have a deficit
Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention
Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Paterson: It’s lovely David
Bill Clinton
Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
***********************
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?
Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive
Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?
Clinton: neither
Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?
Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing
Gregory: [ serious face ]
Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-
Gregory: do you like my serious face?
Clinton: it’s very nice
Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?
Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them
Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?
Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy
Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?
Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election
Gregory: that seems quite peculiar
Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy
Gregory: fascinating
Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam
Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!
Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]
Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military
Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US
Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows
[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]
Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?
Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day
Gregory: but nothing since then
Clinton: see how diabolical they are?
Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women
Clinton: indeed
Gregory: what have you accomplished?
Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people
Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars
Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it
Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?
Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?
Gregory: that’s right
Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?
Gregory: [ looks confused ]
Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron
Gregory: but the taxes!!
Clinton: calm down fluffy
Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?
Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results
Gregory: has he asked for your help?
Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart
Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?
Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin
Gregory: so much fun
Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: with there be another 1994?
Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby
Gregory: will you run for President again?
Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]
Gregory: so yes?
Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun
[ break ]
Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?
Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!
Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance
Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas
Gregory: yikes
Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran
Webb: he’s damm lunatic
Gregory: Ahmedinejad?
Webb: no Senator Kyl
Gregory: we all know that
Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war
Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops
Webb: sure but-
Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!
Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it
Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform
Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army
Gregory: you want to impose a deadline
Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics
Kyl: leave Utah out of this
Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11
Kyl: and she would know!
Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?
Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!
Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!
Gregory: but-
Webb: and they left before the Surge!
Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!
Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?
Webb: jesus you really are fucker
[ break ]
Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you
Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run
Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run
Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run
Gregory: was the White House one of them?
Paterson: maybe
Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?
Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious
Gregory: I see
Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway
Gregory: why are your polls so low?
Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion
Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you
Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor
Gregory: wow
Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit
Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?
Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons
Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?
Paterson: I already did fluffy
Gregory: but you have a deficit
Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention
Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Paterson: It’s lovely David
This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 27, 2009
Guests:
Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?
Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks
Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?
Gates: it came as a complete surprise
Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?
Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida
Stephanopoulos: right
Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?
Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together
Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!
Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!
Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?
Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it
Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?
Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy
Stephanopoulos: like what?
Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones
Stephanopoulos: ah
Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?
Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq
Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?
Gates: but with soft ice cream!
Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?
Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit
Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program
Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?
Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him
Gates: fair point
Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!
Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb
Stephanopoulos: maybe
Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time
Stephanopoulos: fascinating
Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution
Stephanopoulos: that should work out great
Gates: I’m looking forward to it
Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?
Gates: it’s a happy place
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?
McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad
Stephanopoulos: I’m not following
McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan?
McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked
Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great
McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous
Stephanopoulos: what friends?
McCain: our new allies like al qaeda
Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed
McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win
Stephanopoulos: really?
McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan
Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?
McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two
Stephanopoulos: if you say so
McCain: [ crazy laughter ]
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up
McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment
Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin
McCain: exactly
McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs
Stephanopoulos: well put
*******************************
Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?
Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks
Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?
Gates: it came as a complete surprise
Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?
Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida
Stephanopoulos: right
Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?
Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together
Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!
Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!
Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?
Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it
Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?
Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy
Stephanopoulos: like what?
Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones
Stephanopoulos: ah
Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?
Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq
Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?
Gates: but with soft ice cream!
Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?
Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit
Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program
Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?
Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him
Gates: fair point
Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!
Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb
Stephanopoulos: maybe
Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time
Stephanopoulos: fascinating
Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution
Stephanopoulos: that should work out great
Gates: I’m looking forward to it
Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?
Gates: it’s a happy place
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?
McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad
Stephanopoulos: I’m not following
McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan?
McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked
Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great
McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous
Stephanopoulos: what friends?
McCain: our new allies like al qaeda
Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed
McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win
Stephanopoulos: really?
McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan
Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?
McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two
Stephanopoulos: if you say so
McCain: [ crazy laughter ]
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up
McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment
Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin
McCain: exactly
McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs
Stephanopoulos: well put
*******************************
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