Sunday, September 27, 2015

Meet The Press – September 27, 2015

Hillary Clinton
Carly Fiorina
David Brooks
Andrea Mitchell
Andrew Ross Sorkin
Eugene Robinson

Todd: omg what a big show we
have for you today!

Todd: the Pope is in America!

Todd: Fresh polls! Hillary only leads
by 15 points like a big loser!

Todd: she used to lead by 60 points
so she is doing terrible

Todd: welcome Hillary

Clinton: what's up Chuck

Todd: seven years ago you said 
you want to be transparent and then 
you created your own e-mail server 
to hide your e-mails

Clinton: all of the e-mails I sent 
were meant to be archived in 
the government system

Todd: uh-huh

Clinton: I did it for convenience 
which it wasn't

Todd: I guess not

Clinton: most of my e-mails were on
the government server and then I 
turned them all over

Todd: but now we have found some
old e-mails you exchanged with General
Petraeus before you took office

Clinton: well you found those e-mails 
didn't youthey're on a 
government server!

Todd: but these pop up in January of 2009

Clinton: well I wasn't focused on
my e-mails during the transition

Todd: you must have been a little focused –
you put a personal server in your house

Clinton: no it was already sitting in 
the basement in Chappaqua next 
to the power tools and golf clubs

Todd: of course

Clinton: look I can't control all the
technical aspects of it and there were 
gaps when the former Secretaries 
didn't save their e-mails either

Todd: all right then

Clinton: I assumed any e-mail I sent
to any dot gov address would be archived

Todd: or you could have saved them
all in one place or used your own dot gov account

Clinton: I tuned over 55,000 e-mails and 
agreed to testify although I insisted it 
be public since I don't trust the GOP
to leak versions of what happened

Todd: did you turned over e-mails 
voluntarily or were you forced to

Clinton: I think after the 8th or 9th Benghazi
hearing we went back and gave them everything

Todd: how about another explanation?

Clinton: another conspiracy theory?!?

Todd: the theory is you wanted to hide
your e-mails from a future Congressional
investigation which was inevitable 
given you were involved

Clinton: there were a bunch of
pointless investigations in the 1990s

Todd: those were fun times

Clinton: and I beat them all and
was elected to the Senate

Todd: getting elected to a
dysfunctional body is the best revenge

Clinton: but there's no truth to your theory

Todd: can you reassure Democrats
there will no more scandals

Clinton: no because its a drip drip drip
with the fake invented scandals

Todd: Benghazi – good to the last drop

Clinton: I can't control what crazy 
pretend scandal the Republicans 
will come up with next

Todd: what about the deleted e-mails?

Clinton: I have no idea what's on them

Todd: why not?

Clinton: because I didn't want to be
accused of interfering with the investigation

Todd: I'm sure no one would ever do that

Clinton: I know I was sarcastic
with the media – sorry assholes

Todd: do the deleted e-mails
relate to the Clinton Foundation

Clinton: probably not

Todd: your poll numbers have
dropped because of this so-called scandal

Clinton: I get it but I hope people will
look at my experience and policy proposals

Todd: you have a trust deficit

Clinton: everything is fair game
you have to earn this job

Todd: you take some of the blame?

Clinton: of course I take responsibility –
but I was subject to an endless barrage
in the 1990s and I will survive this too

Todd: you changed your mind on the
Iraq war and gay marriage and the
Keystone pipeline out of expediency

Clinton: all us of learn and change
and grow don't we?

Todd: not me

Clinton: Obviously supporting Dick
Cheney's war a huge mistake

Todd: yeah that seems like a no-brainer

Clinton: and sure I changed my mind
on gay marriage like everyone else

Todd: except Rick Santorum

Clinton: I didn't change my mind on Keystone
I withheld my opinion until now

Todd: I see

Clinton: don't forget the U.S.
has lots oil and natural gas now

Todd: ok but Bernie Sanders supported
gay marriage before it was popular

Clinton: well whoopee for him

Todd: heh

Clinton: look I'm like most people 
on gay marriage I thought it was 
weird and now I see it's about love

Todd: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Todd: OMG Trump and Carson are
tied at the top while Fiorina and Rubio
far behind

Todd: the rest are total losers

Todd: Carly Fiorina came from literally
zero to be tied for a distant third

Todd: welcome Carly

Fiorina: good morning Charles

Todd: at the recent debate you described
a scene on video that never happened –
can you admit to exaggerated?

Fiorina: no that really happened!

Todd: you saw that on videotape?

Fiorina: Planned Parenthood
threw condoms at me

Todd: darn I have to pay for mine

Fiorina: Planned Parenthood kills
babies to harvest their organs 
– that is as fact

Todd: no it isn't

Fiorina: they are horrible and this
baby harvest must be stopped

Todd: even the people who made
the videos say it didn't happen

Fiorina: do you think this
is not happening Chucky

Todd: did it happen on tape like you said?

Fiorina: it is a fact that it happens

Todd: you are ducking the question about
what you saw on this non-existent videotape

Fiorina: I was a secretary!

Todd: um okay

Fiorina: the Washington Post lied!

Todd: this is about the character
of our nation – no one can deny
this is happening because it is

Todd: would you shut down the
government over Planned Parenthood?

Fiorina: of course! Let the Democrats 
defend my lies!

Todd: so you shut down the government
even though your best argument
is a blatant lie

Fiorina: taxpayers are funding
butchery and a political slush fund

Todd: do you believe any money
for Planned Parenthood does any good?

Fiorina: Democrats are hypocrites for
not funding wingnut Pregnancy centers !

Todd: in 2010 you said Roe v Wade 
was a decided issue and now you've
changed your mind

Fiorina: butchering live fetuses
to harvest their organs is wrong!

Todd: okay

Fiorina: Democrats want to kill newborn babies in the hospitals!

Todd: you laid off workers at
Hewlett-Packard which is how 
they got Mitt Romney

Fiorina: Bill Clinton and Barack Obama destroyed jobs!

Todd: of course they did

Fiorina: I saved HP during the
terrible time of the Bush Presidency

Todd: strong argument

Fiorina: I will run on my successful 
record all day long!

Todd: you created zero jobs in America

Fiorina: that's false!

Todd: please continue

Fiorina: If I lied I could be help criminally liable

Todd: good luck then

Fiorina: I moved jobs to Texas
because they had low taxes

Todd: it wasn't their wonderful climate?

Fiorina: Democrats destroy jobs
all day long and all night too

Todd: why didn't another company 
hire you as CEO?

Fiorina: because I didn't want to be
a CEO againwrecking companies
is hard work

Todd: were you recruited?

Fiorina: yes I was offered lots of jobs

Todd: of course

Fiorina: but I wanted to use my
experience destroying HP to advise
the CIA on how to put al-Qaeda out of business

Todd: did John Boehner make 
the right decision?

Fiorina: yes because he was a total loser

Todd: oh really

Fiorina: yes because he was complicit
in Planned Parenthood's butchery

Todd: would you get rid of Mitch McConnell?

Fiorina: we'll see – he seems like a loser too

Todd: so should he step aside?

Fiorina: probably – he seems like just
another pro-butchery Obama lackey

Todd: thanks for coming Carly

Fiorina: you too Ted

[ break ]

Todd: your reaction to the Clinton interview?

Mitchell: she's building deniability

Todd: always smart

Mitchell: but she can't talk about
policy because we won't let her

Brooks: she's always on the defensive
because the media won't stop attacking her
that's her core problem

Robinson: your stayed on the e-mails
and she answered every question like a human

Todd: what about Carly Fioina's record at HP?

Ross Sorkin: she lost $60 billion
of her investor's money

Todd: is that a lot?

Ross Sorkin: HP was much
much worse than Dell

Todd: I'm an Epson man

Ross Sorkin: she missed
her targets repeatedly

Todd: she totally rejects reality
on the Planned Parenthood videos

Brooks: the general public
doesn't care about reality

Todd: good point

Brooks: unlike Clinton she doesn't accept
the idea that should have to answer questions

Mitchell: but the facts are that
she lied about Planned Parenthood

Todd: we've established that

Mitchell: but she's captured
the mood of America – angry and fact-free

Mitchell: Clinton is not popular
because she is not angry

Robinson: I was floored that Fiorina
simply won't accept reality – you can't 
keep doing that because people will 
keep bringing it up

Todd: will we revert to reality?
Brooks: god I hope so

Mitchell: Marco Rubio can save the establishment!

Ross Sorkin: the money will follow
the train leaving the station

Todd: one million people are going to Philadelphia! Voluntarily!

Todd: It's a miracle!

Todd: the Pope talks about helping
people in poverty like a socialist

Weigel: Merton advocated
non-violence and Day was a pacifist

Todd: Day and Merton were crazy 
– what are the Pope's politics?

Weigel: they were radicals – but admirable people

Weigel: Day was a anti-war in WWII
which is pretty far out there

Todd: I'll say – people love that war
which is surprising because sequels
aren't usually more popular

Weigel: Merton was religious pan-religious monk

Todd: I love crepes

Weigel: he was an odd duck but like many
trappist monks a best-selling author

Todd: the Pope he talked about poor
people and climate change and didn't
talk about abortion or the gays

Weigel: yes but he's really concerned
about religious freedom especially
the right of old nuns not to have 
a health insurance plans which 
wastes precious sperm

Todd: how about the Pope?

Brooks: we're on a horizontal axis
and he's on a vertical axis

Todd: you're weird David

Brooks: he's exploding souls all over America

Todd: will this bond between Francis 
and Obama be like the one between 
JPII and Reagan

Mitchell: definitely – they've been 
working together secretly on Cuba 
and who knows what else

Todd: oooh dish

Mitchell: I was most moved
by the Pope at the World Trade Center
I recommend you youtube it

Robinson: the Pope so moved
Boehner he up and quit

Todd: a Congressman swiped the Pope's
drinking glass and sprinkled the water 
on his grandkids

Todd: he also took Obama's
glass from the inauguration

Ross Sorkin: he keeps the glasses?

Todd: stealing drinking glasses is his thing

Ross Sorkin: well okay

Todd: got to give him credit

Ross Sorkin: no doubt

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – September 27, 2015

Host: Martha Raddatz
Ben Carson
Newt Gingrich
Robert Costa
Matthew Dowd
Donna Brazile
Bill Kristol

Raddatz: OMG in a stunning development
Donald Trump leads in the polls but 
by not as much!

Raddatz: oh wow Ben Carson
has almost caught up!

Raddatz: Carly Fiorina way behind
but she's surging!

Raddatz: and Bernie Sanders is
within seven points of Clinton!

Raddatz: and I almost forgot
John Boehner quit!

Boehner: hell no!

Tea party: hell no John
Boehner has to go!

Boehner: fuck this shit

Conservatives: Yaaay!

Karl: everyone hates the GOP
leaders in Washington

Karl: Boehner wanted a Pope to visit
Congress for 20 years and when he
finally got one he said 'I'm outta here'

Boehner: I just woke up and said 
'today's the day'

Karl: he seems positively relieved

Boeher: zip-a-dee-do-dah
what a wonderful day!

Raddatz: welcome Dr Carson

Carson: hi Martha

Raddatz: is it good that
John Boehner is leaving?

Carson: he was a great
guy but also a loser

Raddatz: you think he worked
with Democrats too much

Carson: it's time to move on
to someone really destructive

Raddatz: you are tied with Donald Trump

Carson: the American people are thinking
for themselves and will get us off the
inevitable path of total destruction we are on

Raddatz: you say immigrants are from
hardened criminals from Iraq and Syria
and Russia – is there any evidence for that?

Carson: Obama's government says they're
not terrorists but that's what they would say

Raddatz: is the federal government
working against the American people?

Carson: yes Obama releases murderers
into our country – what is wrong with him?

Raddatz: you said Islam is not 
consistent with the Constitution

Carson: no I said all religious 
people must renounce their 
religion except Christians

Raddatz: no you said a Muslim can't be President

Carson: Islam and sharia are crazy
what with the fatwas and such

Raddatz: I see

Carson: they oppose the rights of gays
which are enshrined in our Constitution!

Raddatz: you say we can't take Syria
refugees because they might be terrorists

Carson: that's just common sense

Raddatz: should religion be probable
cause to execute a search warrant

Carson: maybe

Raddatz: you want a large 
cyber attack on China

Carson: right - we cant just sit 
around and do nothing!

Raddatz: okay then

Carson: also we need to be strong
and control outer space

Raddatz: did Kanye West call you?

Carson: yes I was extremely impressed
with his business acumen and
I was hoping he might write music
that help women learn their value

Raddatz: would support Kanye
for President in 2020?

Carson: why the hell not

Raddatz: thanks for coming Doc

Carson: you too Mia

[ break ]

Raddatz: Newt you saw Boehner recently –
did you know he was going to resign?

Gingrich: no but in retrospect it was perfect
he's a devout catholic and meeting 
the Pope was the best he could hope 
to achieve in this life

Raddatz: you also quit Congress like he did

Gingrich: we both faced an angry minority
which threatened utter chaos

Raddatz: charming base you've got there

Gingrich: even if Boehner won the
fight anyone who supported him
would face a vicious primary

Raddatz: what led to this level 
of irrational anger?

Gingrich: everyone loves an outsider –
you have all the righteousness and
none of the responsibility

Raddatz: good point

Gingrich: this is the wrong time 
for someone like Boehner – 
extreme but not insane

Raddatz: who is going to win the election?

Gingrich: we're definitely going to the
Presidency with Trump or Carson or Fiorina

Raddatz: you're joking right

Gingrich: no I'm perfectly serious

Raddatz: all right then

[ break ]

Raddatz: Boehner quit! Will this cause chaos?

Kristol: chaos is a ladder

Costa: Boehner will work with Obama
and then flee the city ahead of tea
party pitchforks and torches

Brazile: the Republicans are in total disarray

Dowd: the GOP are upset that
are fewer white people in America

Kristol: not fair!

Costa: they want Boehner to be 
more aggressive

Brazile: but they don't have the votes!

Kristol: Boehner is weak unlike 
Margaret Thatcher

Dowd: the Pope Francis effect 
will destroy Donald Trump

Raddatz: it's stunning that 
Carson is catching Trump

Costa: Trump isn't going anywhere

Kristol: 52% of primary voters want
someone who have never held elected
office before – that's amazing

Brazile: Donald Trump talks 
loud and says nothing!